100 days, 14 weeks

Today I got a little restless, feeling the weight of self imposed frustration.  I have been drifting  a little as I try and find some rhythm.  As it turns out, my inner grumbling coincided with a nice and clear cut milestone: 100 days left to go until the year is done.  And thus, dear friends, a list to get me focused;

In the next 100 days, or 14 weeks, I will endeavour to ...

1. write 14 writings

2. run 100 miles total

3. sell 14 items on Ebay

4. make 14 homemade presents

5. read 14 books

6. cycle 100 miles total

7. try 14 new recipes

8. write 14 blog posts

9. go to the beach 14 times

10. play the cello 14 times

11. wear high heels 14 times

12. read 100 pages of the Bible

13. do 100 sit ups

14. encourage 14 people

Watch this space...

Learning

When I was growing up faith was like an English lesson, absorbing stories whilst the wise pointed out the moral tunes strung through each tale.  There were the victors and conquerors whose side we knew we should follow.  And the losers and the condemned; warnings of a path strayed.  The ABC was emblazoned and truths learned.

I grew to find it was all rather more like learning Maths.  I was old enough to realise I was being taught the basics, confident that if I studied hard I would learn the formulas that would one day open the doors to understanding.  It was all about building the foundations that would take me to enlightenment.

It didn't take long to move on the science, a religious kind, balancing evidence and the as yet undiscovered.  Now for the first time, wiggle room was allowed for a hypothesis to evolve and space made for a range of conclusions.  Faith became a logical, rationalised exploration with truths to uncover.

I think that now, I've graduated onto some kind of art course...  I've joined a discussion that expands even to the far reaches of what art is valid.  I'm intrigued by all the different interpretations of the same piece, Some critics burn with passion about the subject and fear dilution or distraction, they want to teach and protect what they see.  Others feel utter apathy, others still see art all around beyond the boundaries of a gallery or what could be taught in a classroom, while some had such a horrible art teacher once that they shudder at the sight of a paintbrush.  Some fear their opinions won't count, they've been shouted down in the past or shown up.  And there are the people that are utterly ill informed yet seem to be heard loudest.

And what I love is that some things that I looked at a while ago now speak to me when before there was nothing.  That sometimes I crave a simple drawing and at other times I want a complex canvas.  There's always a new way to see, comfort and questions to find.  The discourse with others only shapes and strengthens my own critical thinking, opens my eyes to see more than I could if I were to learn alone.

Keeping Up Appearances

My Live Below the Line shop

Time for a check in.  I've neglected finishing my Live Below the Line Blog following my five day stint eating on £1 a day, because honestly it got under my skin a bit.

Life has changed a lot since Christmas having gone part time, and taking on the challenge reminded me that although life is less comfortable than it was it is nothing compared to those closer to and below the poverty line.  I've gone from worried and burdened to counting my blessings.  It has been genuinely healthy to have to think about what is essential, what I can live without, what nonsense I comfort eat and what I needlessly buy off the internet when I'm a bit low...

Please don't get me wrong - I am truly blessed to have so much, a roof over my head and money to pay bills, dogs I can feed, a family to keep me secure and more than plenty compared to the majority of the world.  Having less has made me realise this more starkly than when I had more.  While disposable income is amazing and offers loads of wonderful opportunities, it doesn't automatically make us free.  Stripping back and considering carefully where each penny goes is a helpful exercise in prioritising.

For a few months I confess, I filled my new found empty time with moping, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.  All those plans to move forward and take control seemed like something to do tomorrow.  But as sometimes happens, recently life intervened and helped me out and having said wistfully; 'ideally I'd like to do a few shifts a week at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop ... or something.' I got a job at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop in town.  A month and four shifts later and I feel like it has saved me a little.

I love that I'm not near a computer on those days and I love being active and busy, and I love the ethos of person centered service, where offering time and attention is as important as whatever else you're serving.  But what I really love is being reminded in yet another job that showing people that they are valued and important and listened to is sometimes very simple, and can even be achieved by someone as hopeless as me.  That's got under my skin too.

The clouds still threaten to get darker and some days are harder than others.  I'm not a ray of sunshine and I get discouraged and grumpy and scared.  I'm still a big mess of brokenness.


But I'm ok.  Hope is not found in being comfortable, it is in letting the discomfort show you what is important.  Because I have to be more deliberate about life, the more I cherish it.  Simplicity is freeing and it's not that hard to spread smiles even when you feel empty.

So I'm ok.  Not because life got easier, but because it being difficult is teaching me to find hope.





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A different challenge

This week I'm taking on the Live Below the Line challenge, and will be blogging here:  www.livebelowtheline.com/me/lmcadam

Pipe down

In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.

Dante Alighieri

I guess that, because I am immersed in the world and language of depression I forget that to those who aren't, my honesty is a bit blunt.  However, if it's any consolation I really have reigned it in...My lovely friend put me on to this book, and if you read the free sample you'll find a number of quotes describing people's experience of depression.  They are raw and brutal, and refreshing.

Regardless of whether you feel all this cloud talk is appropriately tempered or not, it's fair to ask why I feel the need to write so publicly about it all.  

I've previously mentioned that being open and honest about mental health adds to the fight against stigma and isolation.  The more people who talk about it, the more people understand it, the more people find hope.

There's a far less worthy reason though.  Control.

For a long time I played the 'I'm fine' game on the assumption that my sadness was boring to everyone else, until I had to bite the bullet and reach out for support.

Opening up means letting go of control, and remember that the depressive lens adds a hint of paranoia to precedings.  So I write like this to make sure I am in control of what is out there, what is known about me.  Even if it's just my paranoia that everyone thinks I'm a waste of space, I'd rather it wasn't based on speculation.

And finally, it's control over my scatty mind.  Writing it, publishing these words says to myself 'see, I'm not too lost.'

Have you met the Vicious Spiral? It's mean.

If you've not had the misfortune to meet this particular phenomenon, I will now introduce you through the medium of a scribble:

I drew this on yellow paper to make it japey.

The Vicious Spiral is a haunting process that, with sinister subtlety, drags a fragile being away from joy.  It's unpredictable, and yet feels inevitable.  It's obvious and yet insidious.  

For the past month my insomnia, a companion for as long as I can remember, has gone on leave and instead I have found myself needing at least 12 hours sleep otherwise I feel like I'm going to keel over and preferably I'd be getting closer to 16 hours of zzz's.   And it's not refreshing sleep; if I'm awake I'm wanting to be in bed.  It has been disabling.  And while what started this new fad shall most likely remain a mystery, it is now a habitual spiraling mess.

Work has meant I've had days when I've hoped a reset button had been pressed and I could be returned to living during daylight hours but the truth is, I'm so fed up and lethargic if I can stay in bed, I do.  It's really difficult to dredge up will power when everything feels so difficult, and lethargy makes rational thinking feel impossible, and the sense of failure makes everything seem pointless anyway.

Now, to the point of this post (which is not to have a big public me-fest).  Have you ever tried to tell normal people - particularly those with demanding jobs and family lives - that you're so very tired and sleeping for more than half the day?  If you haven't, let me warn you that the response is not as compassionate as you might hope.  'I have nothing to get me out of bed' and 'I go to bed at 8pm and sleep right through' does not engender too much sympathy, confusion is more likely.  (That said, my parents are awesome and my mother can finish the end of my whinging with true empathy and accuracy).

So I'm actually writing this as a plea to those seeking to understand and support their struggling friends.  Sometimes the things us depressives find hard will sound preposterous, ungrateful and pathetic.  We know.  We think so too.

What fuels the spiral is not just the practical pitfalls.  It's the shame.

It's the constant voice that whispers that everyone else is coping better with a harder deal and that you must be so useless you can't even deal with the easy lot you've been given.  You are convinced that everyone will think less of you, laugh or even get annoyed at you for being so weak.

So you withdraw and hide and tell everyone you're fine because it's embarrassing to admit that it's hard to get out of bed or that you're scared to leave the house.  And the spiral takes hold and it's an almighty effort to reverse it.

We all want to be the hero about whom people say things such as 'she's so strong even with all she's up against' or 'he is so together'.  We want to be admired for our strength over adversity, and be 'brave'.  It's awful to know that with even a relatively light load to carry, you still can't cope.  What have I got to be depressed about?

Professional nappers.

My plea to both sufferers and supporters is this; it is easy to be compassionate to people who are struggling in ways you can understand.  It is very hard when the struggles seem disproportionate or insignificant.  But depression changes the measures and scales, and comparisons between people's lives are distracting.

I guess (because I'm really no expert) that this whole deal is about taking people at their word.  If people say they want to support you, tell them what's going on even if you don't know how they can help.  If someone tells you they are struggling, listen to their hurt not just the practical details which may seem silly.

And if you are tempted to go back to bed, I recommend getting some nap buddies.

My Bucket List

Following interest in my Thirty things to do before Thirty list here's the list that I'm now obsessing over.  There isn't a time limit on it this time - well not in the same way.  There's a deadline, I just don't know when it is...

I've been really fortunate to travel and do some pretty cool stuff but also I don't want to have a list of things that are dependent on me having a serious amount of disposable income.  That's pretty discouraging particularly as for the foreseeable future I'm living on a shoestring.  

So for those who asked, here is the work in progress split into two categories; simple and expensive.  Feel free to steal any ideas and let me know if you have others I should add!  

Simple Significant Ideas	Big Crazy Ideas
Climb Snowdon	Visit Denver, Colorado
Sail independently	Visit Vancouver
Watch 10 documentaries on subjects I’m not interested in	Eat at Michelin Star Restaurant (not pub)
Learn to alter clothes properly	Do skydive
Grow hair long again at some point	Go to international rugby match
Skinny Dip	Learn to ride a motorbike
Make a will	Go Parasailing
Do a sportif	Go up in an air balloon
Learn to build something (like the bed I now need)	Publish my own writing
Write to significant people I’ve lost touch with	Watch a live recording of a TV show
Do another 3 week detox	Do a NYE in Edinburgh
Volunteer in a charity shop	Go on a last minute road trip and book accommodation on the way...
Be part of a play	Ride in a helicopter
Watch a sunrise and sunset in the same day	Go on a led retreat
Sing karaoke in public	Hike in Scotland
Play cello at a public performance	Cycle Coast to Coast
Plan my own funeral
Plant a tree
Make ice cream
Fill in my autobiography book (and remember what I have done not just what I want to do)
Be blonde just once
Wear heels everyday for a month
Learn something crafty (craftsy course?)
Read 10 books on subjects I don’t know about
YouTube vocal teachers and strengthen voice
Read all the books I own
Learn a 20 minute yoga routine
Learn the rules of poker
Draw something frame-able http://www.learn-to-draw.com/
Get typing speed up http://www.learntyping.org/
Do a cooking course http://www.chef2chef.net/learn-to-cook/
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/upcoming