100 days, 14 weeks

Today I got a little restless, feeling the weight of self imposed frustration.  I have been drifting  a little as I try and find some rhythm.  As it turns out, my inner grumbling coincided with a nice and clear cut milestone: 100 days left to go until the year is done.  And thus, dear friends, a list to get me focused;

In the next 100 days, or 14 weeks, I will endeavour to ...

1. write 14 writings

2. run 100 miles total

3. sell 14 items on Ebay

4. make 14 homemade presents

5. read 14 books

6. cycle 100 miles total

7. try 14 new recipes

8. write 14 blog posts

9. go to the beach 14 times

10. play the cello 14 times

11. wear high heels 14 times

12. read 100 pages of the Bible

13. do 100 sit ups

14. encourage 14 people

Watch this space...

My Bucket List

Following interest in my Thirty things to do before Thirty list here's the list that I'm now obsessing over.  There isn't a time limit on it this time - well not in the same way.  There's a deadline, I just don't know when it is...

I've been really fortunate to travel and do some pretty cool stuff but also I don't want to have a list of things that are dependent on me having a serious amount of disposable income.  That's pretty discouraging particularly as for the foreseeable future I'm living on a shoestring.  

So for those who asked, here is the work in progress split into two categories; simple and expensive.  Feel free to steal any ideas and let me know if you have others I should add!  

Simple Significant Ideas	Big Crazy Ideas
Climb Snowdon	Visit Denver, Colorado
Sail independently	Visit Vancouver
Watch 10 documentaries on subjects I’m not interested in	Eat at Michelin Star Restaurant (not pub)
Learn to alter clothes properly	Do skydive
Grow hair long again at some point	Go to international rugby match
Skinny Dip	Learn to ride a motorbike
Make a will	Go Parasailing
Do a sportif	Go up in an air balloon
Learn to build something (like the bed I now need)	Publish my own writing
Write to significant people I’ve lost touch with	Watch a live recording of a TV show
Do another 3 week detox	Do a NYE in Edinburgh
Volunteer in a charity shop	Go on a last minute road trip and book accommodation on the way...
Be part of a play	Ride in a helicopter
Watch a sunrise and sunset in the same day	Go on a led retreat
Sing karaoke in public	Hike in Scotland
Play cello at a public performance	Cycle Coast to Coast
Plan my own funeral
Plant a tree
Make ice cream
Fill in my autobiography book (and remember what I have done not just what I want to do)
Be blonde just once
Wear heels everyday for a month
Learn something crafty (craftsy course?)
Read 10 books on subjects I don’t know about
YouTube vocal teachers and strengthen voice
Read all the books I own
Learn a 20 minute yoga routine
Learn the rules of poker
Draw something frame-able http://www.learn-to-draw.com/
Get typing speed up http://www.learntyping.org/
Do a cooking course http://www.chef2chef.net/learn-to-cook/
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/upcoming

Moving on.

I'm a sucker for markers and I'm feeling profound on this, the last day of my twenties. Not in the slightest bit concerned about age, but with a chapter closed and new one to be marked.  I'm trying to avoid holding myself to a set of expectations, to what security and achievements I might have hoped to be celebrating today.  

I'm desperately holding to the idea that being unsettled is a gift, that growing in my honest brokenness is to be embraced and that life is found in the falling and failing as much as in the surges of success.

Don't get me wrong, I could make a list of things I'm really proud I've done, moments I treasure and experiences I feel incredibly fortunate to have behind me.  But I guess I find it difficult at this unsure point in time to not wish I had a little more to take with me as the page turns.

Anyway, a year ago I made a list of things to do before I turned 30.  Some people don't need or like these kinds of things but it has encouraged me to steer around some of the 'I meant to do that', 'I would have like to do that', 'I wish I had done that' excuses that I want so deeply to avoid.  

On one hand I take massive risks, can be impulsive and make things happen.  On the other, I find it too easy to back away from the uncomfortable, procrastinate and am cautious about taking and making opportunities.  Sometimes I need one half of me to hold the other in check.

I'm glad I did the list, and I will miss it.  I hope I can keep the spirit of ticking things off in my mind, that I can be deliberate about living.


30 Things To Do Before I'm 30

1. Bodyboard:  Done.  And surfing (nearly)

Look, I made bread.

2.  Make real pasta:  Done, but fairly inedible.  Turns out I enjoy making bread though, so that's one carb I may conquer.

3.  Try sushi:  Done, not too fussed about it.

4.  Wax legs:  One of those things that really is as painful the first time as you expect.  Tick.

5. Cycle to Exeter:  And some...

6.  Pay for a strangers' coffee:  This made me more anxious than it probably should have done, I was worried about someone turning me down or catching me at the door to call me a weirdo as I tried to leave with some subtlety.  In the end I gave a cafe £5 and asked them to take it off the bill of the next person who paid for something.  It felt nice but certainly more uncomfortable than it should have done...

7.  Read five novels: done

8.  Go to the dentist:  Now see, I have a bit of a phobia and I have put this off hugely (for about 8 years).  I got a registration form twice and genuinely lost it... but finally have an initial appointment next week.  I am 87% sure I'll get there.

These two 'helped' with the list...

9.  Sail independently:  Unfortunately I didn't even get on the water this year.  This is the kind of thing that strongly depends on other people and the ducks didn't align...  This summer, for sure.

10.  Sew a cushion cover and 11.  Sew a bag:  I did attempt this a couple of times over the year but my sewing machine needs a more experienced eye to make it behave properly.  However this week my mum and I sat down and cut out the bag, and tomorrow I'm taking my machine for her to fix and a bag and cover we shall make.  I don't really have the patience for fiddly things and struggle with precision on anything other than a computer...  but I'd love to be a confident sewer.  This is a good step.

12.  Blow up a balloon without crying:  Shut up.

300 miles DONE

13.  Clear out DVDs and misc nonsense:  Done.  

14:  Have a dinner party:  Some friends old and new came together and put up with my weird concoctions.  At a point I was feeling quite reclusive I was glad this was on my list to encourage me to reach out.  And no one got ill.

15.  Make a cake: Beetroot and Chocolate.  Boom.

16. Do a cycle challenge:  Have I not mentioned this recently?

17.  Watch all of West Wing:  I got into Netflix and watched a fair amount of other top notch drama.

18.  Paint a picture:  Done, and no I'm not showing you.

19.  Buy some jeans that fit:  Complicated one; thanks to the cycling my body shape changed a lot so I have had jeans that have both fitted and not throughout the year.  Exciting stuff.

20.  Climb Snowdon:  Left it too late and decided it was unwise in Jan or Feb.  Another one for this summer though.

21.  Send an anonymous gift: Done.

Rugger with Pa 

22.  Create the book of my life so far:  This was to encourage me to scan in all our family albums, which I have done.  Good thing I had the deadline as it pushed me to keep going, our photos are very precious and I shall be making lots of photobox gifts for a long time to come as well as my own 30 Years Smilebox.

23.  See Arsenal play:  Not on my salary.  But watched a game on TV.

24:  See Exeter Chiefs play:  Done, against London Irish (who lost) with my dad.  Good times.

Upcycletastic

25.  Go to a music concert: I did, with my brother.  Baka Beyond, world music.  Cultured.

26.  See a comedian live: Several, in Dublin with my bestie.

27.  Upcycle a piece of furniture:  Loved this one, if I had space I'd have upcycled my hear out all year.

Buried treasure

28: Swim in the sea:  Done, in the South China Sea.

29.  Bury some treasure:  Done, no I'm not telling where.

30.  Watch the top ten movies ever:  There are a few that I should have seen and clearly it's objective so having consulted 'the internet' I have now seen: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Pulp Fiction, The English Patient, Reservoir Dogs, Schindler's List, Rain Man, Annie Hall, The Dark Knight, Talented Mr Ripley, Erin Brockovich.   


So that's it - 21 Ticked off and 5 pending/gave myself a half point.

Now, what to do with the next 30 years...?

Simile though your heart is breaking

'But what does it feel like?'

Sometimes this is asked because all the poetry of clouds and darkness doesn't make sense, and sometimes as a way of trying to understand how 'feeling sad' can knock someone's life off balance in such practical and real ways.

For my own sake I've tried many ways to articulate what it is I feel, although it can be hard to get past describing the effects rather than the experience.  I thought I might share my humble attempt;

So in the style of Alanis Morissette here's the list.  But it's not about irony (not that her song is either really...), it's about depression.

Imagine taking the feeling associated with each bullet point and putting it in a bottle.  On some days you just drink one of the bottles, on others you might have them all in your system.  (In case anyone is alarmed by the list, I haven't experienced all these actual things - I'm just using my imagination to conjure up a reaction that can be likened to some of the experience of depression.)


It's like...

• Being on a non-stop train to the airport and quickly realising you've not got your passport.  But you have to sit on the train and wait to arrive knowing you're going to miss your flight.
• Standing within a crowd of strangers who are whispering about you and giving you suspicious looks.
• The feeling the day after everyone you love found out you'd been lying to them.
• An indefinite, restless wait for a call to tell you bad news
• Standing in an ice rink in bare feet whilst cocky children whizz around you.
• It's just arriving to a party you'd been looking forward to, to find everyone leaving and you missed it.
• Knowing that everyone you know has been given a £5000 gift for being wonderful, and you weren't eligible
• Listening to the person you secretly love tell you about their new relationship.
• Being the only one at work that knows you're all going to lose your jobs at any moment.
• Finding out your group of best friends went on holiday without you.
• Trying on all of your clothes and none of them fitting, and you have no money to replace them.
• Showing a painting you've worked tirelessly to finish to your loved ones for them to be underwhelmed.
• Tidying up after a party you threw, that only you came to
• Knowing you'll be stuck in a rut doing the same mundane routine for the rest of your life
• Waking up on the day you have to go to a funeral or event or work that you've been dreading
• Doing a massive supermarket shop and realising you haven't got your wallet at the checkout
• Getting to your wedding day and finding you're not enjoying it
• Going on a once in a lifetime trip and being ill in bed for all of it
• Feeling the loss of someone so deeply even though the world has moved on
• Everyone telling you that you 'should be better by now' and questioning you as to why you aren't coping

Two of my most effective antidotes

Well, that's quite a larder of bottled up feelings. I appreciate that it might only make sense to people with my kind of imagination and emotional sensitivities,  But one of the defining features of depression is that so often the feelings are there without the logical trigger.  'I just feel low' is possibly more frustrating when it has no 'because'.

I guess that the challenge is to find some antidotes and soothing balms among it all.

And yes, I've now got Ironic in my head too.  It's like raaaayyeeeaaain...

How did I do THAT?

I've been a long way.  And come back again.

It's safe to say that I haven't hidden just how nervous I have been about the cycle challenge my Dad and I took on this year.  It's been quite the palaver and I've been on the verge of backing out on more occasions than I care to admit.

Here's us at the start line:

Here's us at the finish line:


















Four days, three countries, three hundred miles.  And I rode every single one of them.  WHAT?!?!?

So being that I made quite the meal of it all, I wouldn't blame anyone for asking 'how exactly did I manage it?!'

Honestly?  I don't know.

But I have a few ideas;

- I didn't want to let my dad down.  That was worse than the thought of hating it.

- I didn't want to have to tell everyone I backed out or gave up.

- The more I did, the more I surprised myself.  The more I achieved, the more I wanted to know how much further I could go.  The further I got, the more I could do...

- It was rarefied air; all I had to do each day was get on a bike.  That's it.  Just keep said bike moving forward.  And that seemed a lot more manageable than normal life.

They say that people get to the end of these challenges and feel sad that it's over and I confess that sounded like utter tosh a week ago.  But come Saturday and the final 10 miles and I got it.  Partly because of the high of making it, the beauty of the scenery and the uplifting support from home.  But for me, I wanted to stay in the bubble, where all I needed to do was get on a bike.

My trusty steed.

In my last post I mentioned that carrying baggage is part of life.  I took mine all the way to Brussels.  And I wasn't the only one.  It was clear that we'd all been carrying some hefty weight with us for the trip.  Yet no one was shouting about theirs or opening it up for show and tell.  Trips like these are utter escapism and in the bubble you get to focus on something far easier than what you're carrying.

It was a privilege to travel with the weary and the burdened, quietly and positively.  The father raising money for the Teenage Cancer Trust because his son has cancer.  The gentle man going through a divorce.  The funny northerner who had a suspected heart attack a few weeks ago.  I only caught glimpses of the baggage we each held to our chests but it was a breath of fresh air to both silently acknowledge and overcome it all if only for a few days.

I want to keep cycling if only to keep up some fitness and balance out my biscuit habit.  And I also want to seek out some rarefied air occasionally.  I think it might help to readjust the load and look at the scenery for a few moments.  I need days where all I need to do is get on a bike, so that when I step back out of the bubble I can be that little bit fitter.

p.s. you can still sponsor us

Burn Out

I had a revelation this week.  I'm not sure if my conclusions will stick, be controversial, prompt some responses - I hope they do.  I'm thinking out loud (yet silently, oh how profound) and would love to hear what ideas other people have on this here subject.  Here goes:

It is all too common for people in all sorts of sectors to over work.  I know from my experience in ministry and the charity sector that there's a certain badge of honour attached to pushing yourself.  No one says it, but we all want to be one of those people seen to be earning our way and going the extra mile.  Some of us do thrive under pressure and like the whirlwind of busy-ness.  But there is a sort of martyrdom to it all, and it inevitably leads to burn out or break down.

Mabel recharging.

For me, some of the reasons I pushed myself so hard in the past include:

- fear that I wasn't good enough
- fear that I would be judged for not doing enough
- fear that I would let people down
- fear that I wouldn't be respected
- fear that I had nothing else to fill the time
- fear that I wouldn't be as good as everyone else

Hmmm.  I also liked my job, loved the work and enjoyed myself.  Mostly.  I like to be seen as a 'busy person', I thought that showed my value.  My ego loved it when people admired how I 'fit it all in' or 'kept going'.

Until I stopped keeping on going.  And as I picked myself up knowing I had to change something I lost sight of who I was outside of what I did.

So as I've grown up a bit I've tried to learn some new habits, but I've struggled to know when to go the extra mile and when to stay within strict boundaries.  I mean, giving your all  is a good thing, right?

I think, that there is a difference between going the extra mile and over doing it.

One is selfish, the other is selfless.

I wonder if there's a checklist that might be useful (lists, love 'em), something like this:

- Am I doing extra because I have to earn something
- Am I doing more because I feel passionately I can offer something
- Am I giving more because I don't want someone else to do it
- Am I giving extra because someone needs me to help

... and so on.  Sacrifice is biblical.  Earning your worth or feeding your ego is not.

I think that putting others first can be something that sustains us, as long as we let others serve us too and value ourselves.  So, go the extra mile but make sure you've got the right shoes on.

Thoughts?

Shut Up.

One of my strengths, if I may be so bold, is my straight talking (at least, I think so).  It's an alarming trait for many people around me, bless them.  But I can't help being a tad blunt. I do have to watch myself and I have learnt a great deal of diplomacy and thus have got away with a fair bit of verbal maiming, but I'm glad I'm a get to the point, say what you mean kind of person.

Alas, I have to hold my tongue more often than I'd like and so I'm taking this here opportunity to get some (censored) bluntness off my chest.

Empty platitudes.  On behalf of my friends who have been through such pain and tragedy and anyone else going through hard times and get these kinds of pithy pats on head.  Here is my wrath*:

*I had to re write this a lot of times to make it parent friendly, and cut down the list quite considerably because I got pretty ranty.  Made me feel better writing it all though.

1.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Apart from polio.  Or a stroke.  Or being so hurt by someone you never trust again.  In fact there are lots of things that leave you weak and vulnerable.  Age, in fact, is another.  I know lots of oldies who are getting weaker.

But then, what is strength.  You mean 'not let things get to you' don't you?  That's not strength.  That's lying.

2.  Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

No it's not.  It's part of the human condition.  The things that are optional are the things that cause the pain and suffering; injustice, abuse, neglect and so on.  But they're rarely the option of the person suffering.  

And don't make it sound like suffering is a bad thing, the wrong choice.  Not letting the pain have an outlet is stupid.  You're stupid.

3.  Things can only get better.

Or stay the same.  Or get worse.

 4.  If you really want something, you just have to go out and get it.

I want a monkey that does my washing up and customises my clothing. I also want to be able to sing like Etta James, earn money by walking my dog on the beach and be able to write a blog which uses punctuation correctly and doesn't overuse commas.  So do I just do an internet search... ?

5.  Anything is possible.

See number 4.

6.  Don't over-think.  Just let it go.

Oh sorry, yeah I'll just rewire my brain and change how I am.  Maybe thinking about things is how I process.  Maybe I'm not ready to let go.  You don't know.  Go away.

7.  Things happen for a reason.

And that reason is... because the world is full of consequences and unknowns.  Things happen because if they didn't we'd be in a vacuum not being anything.  This, therefore, is not a comforting statement, is it.  

Oh, you mean 'a reason'.  Like a lesson, or a plan... so we're just pawns?  Some of us die young to teach others?  Or innocent babies suffer tremendously at the hand of a ethereal game player?  

Oh you mean a reason from the past.  Oh... I brought this on myself.  Or someone else did.  Always someone to blame.  Really helpful, I'll just go and obsess over my whole life history.

Unless you're going to give me the actual reason with evidence to support it, shut up.

8. Stay positive, and positive things will happen.

I can create a force-field around me that will simultaneously protect me and boost me towards a happy and fulfilled life?  I didn't realise nothing bad happened to positive people.  There can't be many positive people out there.  They're clearly too busy being deliriously happy while the rest of us prevent good things happen with our darned sensitivity to the actual real world.

9.  Live for the moment, seize the day

You mean to throw caution to the wind, don't you. 
That's fine if you have no responsibility or plans to eat when you're old and seizing up in an entirely different way.  

What if the moment and the day are pretty scary. Sometimes it's an uphill battle to get to a place where anything can be seized.  Sometimes it's OK to wish the day away and start again tomorrow without feeling like you're wasting your life.

10. It's about the journey not the destination.

Try telling that to the audience waiting for me to turn up to speak.

11.  These things are sent to test us.

By who?  That's just made me angrier? Who hates me that much?  Do you have their address?  I have a strongly worded letter to write.

12.  God won't give you more than you can handle.

So we will all survive everything...?  And martyrs and victims of suicide...?  Um...  

And also, he's not that mean.  Stop blaming him.  Life gives you a mixed bag.  It's not all an endurance test. We're not contestants on the Crystal Maze.

13.  If it's meant to be...

Oh good, I'll stop trying to grow in wisdom and common sense and just wait for it all to fall into place.  I do rather hate making decisions and taking responsibility.

14.  Time is a healer.

Unless you have an untreated infection.  Or are waiting for something or someone.  Or you're stuck in a hole, literally or metaphorically.  Or if you've lost something or someone that can't be replaced.  Or you're not immortal.

Sometimes you never get healed from something, grief or tragedy can change you and you don't heal, you adapt.  And there is no time frame for coming to terms with anything.  

And actually, knowing it might get easier doesn't always make the now that much brighter because 'eventually' seems too far away.  I need help now.

I know, I'm cynical and grumpy.  And I know people say this stuff because a) they feel they have to say something or b) they are genuinely trying to help.  But sometimes they are so hurtful.  Particularly the ones that suggest someone shouldn't feel as they do.

It's natural to want to explain things away.  But it's better to say nothing, or better still to journey alongside a suffering person rather than pull them into a place you feel more comfortable dealing with.

I had a good list of 'Christian' platitudes that I deleted.  I decided I didn't want to offend anyone (for now), and I actually found I uncovered some unresolved hurt in some of them. Maybe I'll revisit them in a more measured way sometime.  I simply believe faith doesn't mean we can explain everything, nor should it mean we never struggle.

Life is messy.  We need to get our hands dirty not box our struggles up neatly.

I feel useless

I received a lovely message from someone this week which used the phrase 'I feel useless' no less than 7 times.  Having read my blog, she wanted to write in empathy and support saying that in the midst of her clouds she knows she is unable to help others as she knows she should, and this feeds the feeling of worthlessness.

It got me thinking.  As much as I may want to embrace the dark times instead of writing them off, denying their existence in my history, the truth is that a lot of the time it's hard enough to look after myself let alone reach out to others.  It's a frustrating reality that depression makes you inward looking, peeking out into the world only to find things to wallop you over the head with.

It's not only those who are low that find it hard to be useful in our world.  Strong introverts, those with energy and pain fueled illnesses, agoraphobics and people who are just darned shy struggle to find their place in a loud, brash 'look at me volunteering and climbing a mountain for charity and organising a community event' world.

So I wrote a list.  I love a list. Because whatever the world or your mind or your circumstance is telling you, you are not useless.  You can offer so much, even seemingly simple things can make a world of difference - trust me, I'm a charity worker.

1.       Give to a food bank

They are all over the place, and all you need to do is look in your kitchen or buy a few extras (non perishable and in date goods) then drop them off.  You're meeting a very urgent need.  If you're feeling up to it you could even volunteer to help pack the boxes? 

2.       Smile at shop assistants

Not as easy as it sounds when you're itching to get out of there, exhausted simply by being in a shop.  But it is a really straightforward free way to spread a little cheer.  The more you smile, the more others will smile, and then you'll smile genuinely and something warm and fuzzy will enter your brain for a while (that's some science right there for you)

3.       Pay for a stranger’s coffee or road toll

It's a classic random act of kindness and totally overwhelmingly brilliant when you're on the receiving end.  If you're going for the drink option but you're feeling shy how about giving the cashier the price of a coffee and telling them to use for whoever orders one next.  Then you can run away feeling lovely.

4.       Write a thank you letter

Or facebook message, whatever medium you fancy.  But letters are totally retro cool and everyone enjoys post.  It doesn't matter what kind of thing you're grateful for or how much you say.  People don't say thank you enough.

5.       Compliment a stranger

On a few occasions someone has stopped me in the street or made a comment when coming out of a public bathroom about how much they love my shoes or dress.  Once someone came over to tell me I had excellent shoulders.  Without fail I have smiled and my mood has been lifted.  And I am quite pleased with my shoulders.

6.       Pick up someone else’s rubbish

Simple and sacrificial.  I had a long think about whether this should include other people's dog's poop.  It doesn't.  It shouldn't.

7.       Deliver a meal to someone who might appreciate it

Do you know someone who's just had a baby or an operation (or both)?  Or who's had a rough or busy time (or both)?  Whip up something or buy a bag of shopping and take it round.  If you're shaky you can leave it on the doorstep with a note.  Maybe ring the doorbell and jump behind a car and watch...?  Maybe not.

David Tenant on JustGiving

8.       Donate to a stranger’s Just Giving page

I've badgered my contacts many a time for sponsorship and believe me, even a pound is encouraging.  And the anonymous donations are special for some reason.

9.       Send an anonymous card of encouragement

Make or buy a card and put a simple quote or your own words telling someone they are doing ok.  Regardless of our situation, I think most of us need to hear it.

10.   Leave chocolates on someone’s doorstep

Oh I do love anonymous kindness and there is no way you won't make someone's day.  (Out of the sun, people, out of the sun.)

11.   Read the news

Sounds like a tangent but looking outwards, engaging in things which have no direct link to you, and caring about people you've never met, makes you a better person.  

12.   Offer to take a friend’s cardboard to the tip

Here at least, cardboard doesn't get collected and the recycling centre is a little drive away.  Saving someone that job is a such a help, and cuts down car journeys too.

13.   Take someone in public service a drink or snack

I think many of us can remember a time when we feel unappreciated... how about taking a box of chocolates to the council offices, offering the parking enforcement officer a coffee or sending the fire brigade a thank you card?

14.   Make a mixed tape for someone

A project is a most useful thing for starters.  But spending time thinking about what someone else would like is a great antidote to feeling sorry for yourself.  You can theme it: 'songs to drive to' or 'songs to let off steam after a long day at work'.  

15.   Buy a Big Issue

Self explanatory I should hope.

16.   Clean out your wardrobe and donate to a charity shop

Several birds with one stone.  Don't live with clutter, have a refresh and do a good deed.  And no birds will actually be harmed so a winner all round.  

17.   Become an organ donor

If you haven't already, please think about it (and you can do it without talking to anyone here).  Same with giving blood, you could save a life no less.  How are them 'I'm useless' voices doing now ay!?

18.   Leave some nice thoughts in public places and library books

If you're feeling crafty, or can write or use a printer... you could leave lovely messages or quotes for the general public to absorb and be encouraged by. (Keep it legal, natch). I love some positive inspiration when I'm in a public loo. 

19.   Do a bit of sofa campaigning

Avaaz

Be part of something bigger than yourself whenever you can and do your bit.  Lots of charities have petitions and actions to take, you can also start here: http://www.avaaz.org/en/  and https://www.change.org/en-GB

20.    I couldn't think of a 20th one but couldn't bring myself to stop at 19.  Too untidy.

So that's my list.  Easy to write, easier to read, potentially tricky to take on.  Whatever we each struggle with I know for a fact we can reach beyond our own situations.  And don't do yourself down when your friend is raising thousands for a marathon (they're downright mad for starters) while you put your name on a petition from your bed.  

Stop competing with everyone else.

Let's get on with doing what can, there is no such thing as a 'little' act of kindness.  You are not only useful, you are important and powerful, honestly.  Yes, YOU.

And if anyone thinks of a number 20 let me know.