Shut Up.

One of my strengths, if I may be so bold, is my straight talking (at least, I think so).  It's an alarming trait for many people around me, bless them.  But I can't help being a tad blunt. I do have to watch myself and I have learnt a great deal of diplomacy and thus have got away with a fair bit of verbal maiming, but I'm glad I'm a get to the point, say what you mean kind of person.

Alas, I have to hold my tongue more often than I'd like and so I'm taking this here opportunity to get some (censored) bluntness off my chest.

Empty platitudes.  On behalf of my friends who have been through such pain and tragedy and anyone else going through hard times and get these kinds of pithy pats on head.  Here is my wrath*:

*I had to re write this a lot of times to make it parent friendly, and cut down the list quite considerably because I got pretty ranty.  Made me feel better writing it all though.

1.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Apart from polio.  Or a stroke.  Or being so hurt by someone you never trust again.  In fact there are lots of things that leave you weak and vulnerable.  Age, in fact, is another.  I know lots of oldies who are getting weaker.

But then, what is strength.  You mean 'not let things get to you' don't you?  That's not strength.  That's lying.

2.  Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

No it's not.  It's part of the human condition.  The things that are optional are the things that cause the pain and suffering; injustice, abuse, neglect and so on.  But they're rarely the option of the person suffering.  

And don't make it sound like suffering is a bad thing, the wrong choice.  Not letting the pain have an outlet is stupid.  You're stupid.

3.  Things can only get better.

Or stay the same.  Or get worse.

 4.  If you really want something, you just have to go out and get it.

I want a monkey that does my washing up and customises my clothing. I also want to be able to sing like Etta James, earn money by walking my dog on the beach and be able to write a blog which uses punctuation correctly and doesn't overuse commas.  So do I just do an internet search... ?

5.  Anything is possible.

See number 4.

6.  Don't over-think.  Just let it go.

Oh sorry, yeah I'll just rewire my brain and change how I am.  Maybe thinking about things is how I process.  Maybe I'm not ready to let go.  You don't know.  Go away.

7.  Things happen for a reason.

And that reason is... because the world is full of consequences and unknowns.  Things happen because if they didn't we'd be in a vacuum not being anything.  This, therefore, is not a comforting statement, is it.  

Oh, you mean 'a reason'.  Like a lesson, or a plan... so we're just pawns?  Some of us die young to teach others?  Or innocent babies suffer tremendously at the hand of a ethereal game player?  

Oh you mean a reason from the past.  Oh... I brought this on myself.  Or someone else did.  Always someone to blame.  Really helpful, I'll just go and obsess over my whole life history.

Unless you're going to give me the actual reason with evidence to support it, shut up.

8. Stay positive, and positive things will happen.

I can create a force-field around me that will simultaneously protect me and boost me towards a happy and fulfilled life?  I didn't realise nothing bad happened to positive people.  There can't be many positive people out there.  They're clearly too busy being deliriously happy while the rest of us prevent good things happen with our darned sensitivity to the actual real world.

9.  Live for the moment, seize the day

You mean to throw caution to the wind, don't you. 
That's fine if you have no responsibility or plans to eat when you're old and seizing up in an entirely different way.  

What if the moment and the day are pretty scary. Sometimes it's an uphill battle to get to a place where anything can be seized.  Sometimes it's OK to wish the day away and start again tomorrow without feeling like you're wasting your life.

10. It's about the journey not the destination.

Try telling that to the audience waiting for me to turn up to speak.

11.  These things are sent to test us.

By who?  That's just made me angrier? Who hates me that much?  Do you have their address?  I have a strongly worded letter to write.

12.  God won't give you more than you can handle.

So we will all survive everything...?  And martyrs and victims of suicide...?  Um...  

And also, he's not that mean.  Stop blaming him.  Life gives you a mixed bag.  It's not all an endurance test. We're not contestants on the Crystal Maze.

13.  If it's meant to be...

Oh good, I'll stop trying to grow in wisdom and common sense and just wait for it all to fall into place.  I do rather hate making decisions and taking responsibility.

14.  Time is a healer.

Unless you have an untreated infection.  Or are waiting for something or someone.  Or you're stuck in a hole, literally or metaphorically.  Or if you've lost something or someone that can't be replaced.  Or you're not immortal.

Sometimes you never get healed from something, grief or tragedy can change you and you don't heal, you adapt.  And there is no time frame for coming to terms with anything.  

And actually, knowing it might get easier doesn't always make the now that much brighter because 'eventually' seems too far away.  I need help now.

I know, I'm cynical and grumpy.  And I know people say this stuff because a) they feel they have to say something or b) they are genuinely trying to help.  But sometimes they are so hurtful.  Particularly the ones that suggest someone shouldn't feel as they do.

It's natural to want to explain things away.  But it's better to say nothing, or better still to journey alongside a suffering person rather than pull them into a place you feel more comfortable dealing with.

I had a good list of 'Christian' platitudes that I deleted.  I decided I didn't want to offend anyone (for now), and I actually found I uncovered some unresolved hurt in some of them. Maybe I'll revisit them in a more measured way sometime.  I simply believe faith doesn't mean we can explain everything, nor should it mean we never struggle.

Life is messy.  We need to get our hands dirty not box our struggles up neatly.