The inevitable 'catch up and review' type post

This time a year ago I was in Bogota. Contemplating life, the world and another year I had escaped for three weeks to try and get a grip on why I was so increasingly unsettled.

Of course I had a complete overhaul and massive revelations that changed the course of my life entirely.  Ok hardly, but it did start me off down a track of vulnerable honesty and deconstruction.

It's a very difficult place to be in right now, looking at the determined lists and resolutions I made in what I assumed would the the low point that led to the high.  Now I know it was the beginning of a year of falling apart and sharing my weakness, and that the lows were far from the bottom and anything other than fleeting.

It's hard to ignore the instinct that tells me this year has been a failure, that I've not achieved what I set out to do.  In fact I'm taking apart big chunks of my comfortable life partly to move forward - but also because I can't carry on.  That's a horrible feeling.  To know that a year on I'm still not ok.

It's safe to say that my pride has been to diminished to nothing this year; I've had to be too honest to hold on to any illusions of togetherness or success.  After ten years of independence I've had to ask my parents to look after me again, and am forever asking friends to forgive me for hiding from them.  The title of this blog stings as I go part time to try and find the energy to build myself up again.  At the very height of insecurity I'm choosing to give up having any disposable income and giving up my home.

It's not a bucket list or handful of New Years' resolutions that I need this year.  It's not that I'm directionless or bored or lazy.

'No human, you can't
go back to bed.'

I'm broken and I'm scared.

So what do I do? Hide under my duvet indefinitely?  Unfortunately the four legged creatures I live with won't allow this. Write some lists full of gusto and positive cliches?  Been there, done that.
Make some goals?  Falling short anymore is simply too much. Pull it together? If I could, I would have already.

By my calculations that leaves one thing; wait it out.  The one good thing about living with depression for a while is that I now know what to expect. I just have to hold back the panic and breathe.

There are always chinks of light even when the dark seems unending.
Even if the clouds never cease their lurking, there are days that seem lighter.
I cannot compare myself to anyone else, particularly on social media. (Which lies.)
There is no shame in starting again, even if this isn't starting again... it's all forward.
I genuinely prefer a blank page to a rut.  Remember this.
Hurt nurtures compassion,  This is the time to become a really really nice person.
I don't have to be sorted yet, if ever.  I am allowed to muddle through.
It'll be ok.  It will.

And why I am broadcasting this quite so publicly? Because feeling ashamed feeds the dark.  Making depression a taboo also further stigmatises it. Talking about it shines light on how common it is to feel out of control and useless.  Because whatever I may feel on any given day, what I've documented reminds me that I am not completely lost, that I've had moments of clarity and hope - maybe even wisdom. I'm not whinging, I'm fighting.  I'm not pushing a sob story, I'm telling a real story.  I don't want attention, I want it on the record that I'm not going to give up.

Happy, terrifying, New Year.  There is more to come.

I'm fine.

Cards on the table; I've been really up and down for a few weeks.  It's been hard work.

And I need to write it here because sometimes this is my best weapon.

Depression is a clever evolving beast that when strong; dances just out of reach like a whispish, warping, blinding darkness.  Just as I can explain a little of how it can be, it changes just enough to knock me from my self assured perch.  And when I've had to apologise for letting people down, missing things or not being myself; when I'm struggling to control the rapid mood changes and explain them to those in the line of fire; when I'm clutching to my growing armoury ready to pull out the next list and action plan...

...then it takes my words.

Recently someone kindly asked how they would know I needed some help in a low time.  I said that its when I disappear and hide from the world that I'm really struggling.  'So, what do we do then?'  'Well, nothing, because I won't want to see or talk to you...'.

Right at the point I need my hand held I can't seem to find the strength to offer it up.  I fall into neutral mode and honestly, it's like being switched to black and white.  My occasionally coherent thoughts turn to constantly blurry whispers and my voice is so deep inside me I don't know how I ever used it.  My default for these times, when I get out and force myself onto the world, is the 'I'm fine' mantra. The numb smile.  Head down, get home, emotionally curl up and try and find a way to get the distant screams out from beneath this wretched skin.  I'm fine.

Even if I could face it, sitting in strangled silence unable to really express what's going on... well I'd feel guilty.  And at times like this, I have enough of that.

This is a cycle I want to - will - break and the times of feeling OK are regular enough to hold in my memory when the world gets all big and scary.  So I have been sitting at my laptop, or with pen in hand, or phone at the ready.  I've scribbled nonsense, typed incoherence and lost grip of spelling and grammar more than usual.  I have kept some writings, deleted most and lost a few (which were clearly prize winning world changing pieces of poetry and/or prose and I'll believe nothing to the contrary).

And now this.  A slightly public collection of words.

I can't promise I'm going to start answering the door, the phone or any one of the gazillion ways to contact me when I'm feeling lost.  Sometimes I need to find the strength to hold out my hand before anyone can help.  But I hope that
will become easier the more I refuse to bottle up the light I do have to shed within me.

These words are my last line of defence and my greatest source of strength.
They say to my clouds - 'Oi.  I'm still here, actually. Exposing you; diffusing the lies your darkness tells me. So move it along.  I'm still in charge, so pipe down.  We're going outside.'

Mirror

Scared I may not recognise what I see

I force myself to stand at the mirror

To look for where I might have gone

Some sign deep beneath reaching up

It has been so long since I knew who owned my body

Controlled the gates so often shut

Determined the colour of words that fall

From my bitten battered lips

My skin, dented from clenched fingers

Crawls as stifling air swirls

I am here somewhere but not present

Abdication has left incoherent trails

It seems I have abandoned this ship

Left bobbing in turbulent waters

Watching with waived will

As life passes through this sinking vessel

It is not clear whether I can or will come back

The point of no return jumps forward and behind

Hot tears mingle on unfamiliar cheeks

I wait for a final gasp as I go under

My breath fills my retching chest

Eyes too tired from being forced open

A tiny flicker catches my soul’s gaze

I am here in this, longing to start again

Scared I may not recognise what I see

I force myself to stand at the mirror

To look for where I might have gone

Ready to bring her back to liberation

Adapt or Cry

Trying to put people into nice neat categories is more often than not, pointless.  We're far too complicated.  However as I've read more about the very well used extraversion–introversion personality theory (Carl Jung) the more I find I make sense.  (These kinds of things count as research; myths, retort.)  As much as I've always known that I am an introvert, I've not considered it too significant.  Until now.

You see, for as long as I've been able to be so analytical, I've always assumed I'm odd.  I've used a lot of energy trying to change the bits of me that don't fit in with society.  I've never been normal and I've got frustrated with the parts of my personality which make being normal so hard.  

Depression just makes these parts of me more prominent, undoes the good work I've done overcoming my brokenness.  Making me ever more weird.

Ahhh normal.  That lovely word that sets the bar for us all to maintain.  The media helpfully make sure we know what is acceptable these days, and we celebrate all the good traits like being sociable, outgoing, funny, with many friends, life and soul, confident...  Let's be honest, the wallflowers are never the heroes until they start to behave in the normal way.

I reckon there's a spectrum, a scale.  And I imagine many people exist somewhere in the middle, despite their leanings one way or another, in the wide band marked 'normal'.  But those of us at the ends, the heavyweight extros and intros, we have to make ourselves fit.  We are made to feel wrong.  And excuse me if I offend, but I think the world is slightly more biased towards extroverts...

Having looked at the traits associated with introversion I have realised, with quite the lightning-bolt, that I am not broken.  I'm just me.  And I'm not the only one, there are loads of us working hard to change ourselves, spending our lives pretending.  And I bet we are the ones susceptible to exhaustion, depression and break downs.  

It's exhausting trying to be someone you're not.

I have made the mistake of mixing depression up with who I am, resenting the parts of me I should be embracing.  There are things I have picked up on the journey that could do with undoing.  And we all have to adapt; but adapting is very different from pretending.   I just don't want to feel so resentful of things about me I probably can't change.  Hopefully a nice dose of self awareness will help me understand how to healthily adapt where necessary and be comfortable with my actual proper self.

We have to celebrate things which make us different.  In fact, I'm sure that I don't really want to be 'normal'.  So how about all of us pretenders stop exhausting ourselves and remind ourselves that we are great.  All along the spectrum, we rock.  

Faking it

I'm a big advocate for honesty, of course I am.   However, I wonder if there are times to hold back and occasions that necessitate a front of sorts. Don't get me wrong, having a mask that was used too often was part of my emotional downfall, I'm not advocating lying to the world about who you actually are.  But there are times when certain parts of your personality should be pushed to the front and others given a rest.

A few months ago my Lovely Friend and I booked a few days away in Dublin.  In the weeks leading up to the trip we wondered whether my clouds would get in the way, or if I'd even make it at all.  That said, I was assured that I would be taken Dublin by any means necessary.

I have some awesome friends, most of whom are extroverts.  My Lovely Friend is the kind of extrovert that wakes up talking, and once told me that she would be totally happy if she was around people from the very beginning to the very end of the day.  We are really rather different... However she is also one of the kindest, wisest and patient people I know and not only has she seen all of my moods but she's never made me feel bad about them.

So as I drove to meet my Lovely Friend my mind was occupied; not with whether I needed to hide or whether we'd fall out if I wanted to stay in bed all day.

So many people have worked around me and tried to understand how I function.  With support I've been doing so much better these past couple of weeks and am feeling stronger and more in control.  So on the journey I decided that I would do all I can to be the friend that my Lovely Friend deserved, even if it meant pretending a little bit.

I decided I would be chatty, even if I preferred silence.  I decided I would be excited and cheerful, even when my heart went into neutral mode.  I decided I would make decisions and wouldn't be paranoid that I was getting it all wrong and that my Lovely Friend actually hated and resented me and would be having a lot more fun with anyone else...  I decided to pretend I couldn't see the clouds and that I couldn't hear the negative thoughts.

And you know what, after a surprisingly short while and a few over compensations, a nap and some silence here and there to recharge... I wasn't faking it.  Pretending to be cheery soon became having a genuinely great time.  Saying things for the sake of it soon became natural chat (it turns out I do like to point at things and read signs out loud).  And making sure it wasn't all about me meant I felt like a better person and a much better friend.  At last.

I am so SO lucky to have a Lovely Friend who I knew I couldn't fail with whatever happened, and was marvellous at making sure I looked after myself and got my introvert time too.  Not being in it alone is so much part of winning the battle.  It meant that my decision to push cheery self to the front was not borne out of pressure or fear and I'm sure that's part of why it turned so quickly into my natural state.

It was a holiday, and it was a break from the clouds and the struggle.  Just as you can't stay on holiday forever, you have to come back and face yourself mask-less before long too.  But a bit of faking it proved to me that I am still in here somewhere.  That I have enough strength these days to push my head above the clouds and get some sunshine.  That has given me hope that life can once again be enjoyed, even if I have to fake it at first.

I feel useless

I received a lovely message from someone this week which used the phrase 'I feel useless' no less than 7 times.  Having read my blog, she wanted to write in empathy and support saying that in the midst of her clouds she knows she is unable to help others as she knows she should, and this feeds the feeling of worthlessness.

It got me thinking.  As much as I may want to embrace the dark times instead of writing them off, denying their existence in my history, the truth is that a lot of the time it's hard enough to look after myself let alone reach out to others.  It's a frustrating reality that depression makes you inward looking, peeking out into the world only to find things to wallop you over the head with.

It's not only those who are low that find it hard to be useful in our world.  Strong introverts, those with energy and pain fueled illnesses, agoraphobics and people who are just darned shy struggle to find their place in a loud, brash 'look at me volunteering and climbing a mountain for charity and organising a community event' world.

So I wrote a list.  I love a list. Because whatever the world or your mind or your circumstance is telling you, you are not useless.  You can offer so much, even seemingly simple things can make a world of difference - trust me, I'm a charity worker.

1.       Give to a food bank

They are all over the place, and all you need to do is look in your kitchen or buy a few extras (non perishable and in date goods) then drop them off.  You're meeting a very urgent need.  If you're feeling up to it you could even volunteer to help pack the boxes? 

2.       Smile at shop assistants

Not as easy as it sounds when you're itching to get out of there, exhausted simply by being in a shop.  But it is a really straightforward free way to spread a little cheer.  The more you smile, the more others will smile, and then you'll smile genuinely and something warm and fuzzy will enter your brain for a while (that's some science right there for you)

3.       Pay for a stranger’s coffee or road toll

It's a classic random act of kindness and totally overwhelmingly brilliant when you're on the receiving end.  If you're going for the drink option but you're feeling shy how about giving the cashier the price of a coffee and telling them to use for whoever orders one next.  Then you can run away feeling lovely.

4.       Write a thank you letter

Or facebook message, whatever medium you fancy.  But letters are totally retro cool and everyone enjoys post.  It doesn't matter what kind of thing you're grateful for or how much you say.  People don't say thank you enough.

5.       Compliment a stranger

On a few occasions someone has stopped me in the street or made a comment when coming out of a public bathroom about how much they love my shoes or dress.  Once someone came over to tell me I had excellent shoulders.  Without fail I have smiled and my mood has been lifted.  And I am quite pleased with my shoulders.

6.       Pick up someone else’s rubbish

Simple and sacrificial.  I had a long think about whether this should include other people's dog's poop.  It doesn't.  It shouldn't.

7.       Deliver a meal to someone who might appreciate it

Do you know someone who's just had a baby or an operation (or both)?  Or who's had a rough or busy time (or both)?  Whip up something or buy a bag of shopping and take it round.  If you're shaky you can leave it on the doorstep with a note.  Maybe ring the doorbell and jump behind a car and watch...?  Maybe not.

David Tenant on JustGiving

8.       Donate to a stranger’s Just Giving page

I've badgered my contacts many a time for sponsorship and believe me, even a pound is encouraging.  And the anonymous donations are special for some reason.

9.       Send an anonymous card of encouragement

Make or buy a card and put a simple quote or your own words telling someone they are doing ok.  Regardless of our situation, I think most of us need to hear it.

10.   Leave chocolates on someone’s doorstep

Oh I do love anonymous kindness and there is no way you won't make someone's day.  (Out of the sun, people, out of the sun.)

11.   Read the news

Sounds like a tangent but looking outwards, engaging in things which have no direct link to you, and caring about people you've never met, makes you a better person.  

12.   Offer to take a friend’s cardboard to the tip

Here at least, cardboard doesn't get collected and the recycling centre is a little drive away.  Saving someone that job is a such a help, and cuts down car journeys too.

13.   Take someone in public service a drink or snack

I think many of us can remember a time when we feel unappreciated... how about taking a box of chocolates to the council offices, offering the parking enforcement officer a coffee or sending the fire brigade a thank you card?

14.   Make a mixed tape for someone

A project is a most useful thing for starters.  But spending time thinking about what someone else would like is a great antidote to feeling sorry for yourself.  You can theme it: 'songs to drive to' or 'songs to let off steam after a long day at work'.  

15.   Buy a Big Issue

Self explanatory I should hope.

16.   Clean out your wardrobe and donate to a charity shop

Several birds with one stone.  Don't live with clutter, have a refresh and do a good deed.  And no birds will actually be harmed so a winner all round.  

17.   Become an organ donor

If you haven't already, please think about it (and you can do it without talking to anyone here).  Same with giving blood, you could save a life no less.  How are them 'I'm useless' voices doing now ay!?

18.   Leave some nice thoughts in public places and library books

If you're feeling crafty, or can write or use a printer... you could leave lovely messages or quotes for the general public to absorb and be encouraged by. (Keep it legal, natch). I love some positive inspiration when I'm in a public loo. 

19.   Do a bit of sofa campaigning

Avaaz

Be part of something bigger than yourself whenever you can and do your bit.  Lots of charities have petitions and actions to take, you can also start here: http://www.avaaz.org/en/  and https://www.change.org/en-GB

20.    I couldn't think of a 20th one but couldn't bring myself to stop at 19.  Too untidy.

So that's my list.  Easy to write, easier to read, potentially tricky to take on.  Whatever we each struggle with I know for a fact we can reach beyond our own situations.  And don't do yourself down when your friend is raising thousands for a marathon (they're downright mad for starters) while you put your name on a petition from your bed.  

Stop competing with everyone else.

Let's get on with doing what can, there is no such thing as a 'little' act of kindness.  You are not only useful, you are important and powerful, honestly.  Yes, YOU.

And if anyone thinks of a number 20 let me know.