Faking it

I'm a big advocate for honesty, of course I am.   However, I wonder if there are times to hold back and occasions that necessitate a front of sorts. Don't get me wrong, having a mask that was used too often was part of my emotional downfall, I'm not advocating lying to the world about who you actually are.  But there are times when certain parts of your personality should be pushed to the front and others given a rest.

A few months ago my Lovely Friend and I booked a few days away in Dublin.  In the weeks leading up to the trip we wondered whether my clouds would get in the way, or if I'd even make it at all.  That said, I was assured that I would be taken Dublin by any means necessary.

I have some awesome friends, most of whom are extroverts.  My Lovely Friend is the kind of extrovert that wakes up talking, and once told me that she would be totally happy if she was around people from the very beginning to the very end of the day.  We are really rather different... However she is also one of the kindest, wisest and patient people I know and not only has she seen all of my moods but she's never made me feel bad about them.

So as I drove to meet my Lovely Friend my mind was occupied; not with whether I needed to hide or whether we'd fall out if I wanted to stay in bed all day.

So many people have worked around me and tried to understand how I function.  With support I've been doing so much better these past couple of weeks and am feeling stronger and more in control.  So on the journey I decided that I would do all I can to be the friend that my Lovely Friend deserved, even if it meant pretending a little bit.

I decided I would be chatty, even if I preferred silence.  I decided I would be excited and cheerful, even when my heart went into neutral mode.  I decided I would make decisions and wouldn't be paranoid that I was getting it all wrong and that my Lovely Friend actually hated and resented me and would be having a lot more fun with anyone else...  I decided to pretend I couldn't see the clouds and that I couldn't hear the negative thoughts.

And you know what, after a surprisingly short while and a few over compensations, a nap and some silence here and there to recharge... I wasn't faking it.  Pretending to be cheery soon became having a genuinely great time.  Saying things for the sake of it soon became natural chat (it turns out I do like to point at things and read signs out loud).  And making sure it wasn't all about me meant I felt like a better person and a much better friend.  At last.

I am so SO lucky to have a Lovely Friend who I knew I couldn't fail with whatever happened, and was marvellous at making sure I looked after myself and got my introvert time too.  Not being in it alone is so much part of winning the battle.  It meant that my decision to push cheery self to the front was not borne out of pressure or fear and I'm sure that's part of why it turned so quickly into my natural state.

It was a holiday, and it was a break from the clouds and the struggle.  Just as you can't stay on holiday forever, you have to come back and face yourself mask-less before long too.  But a bit of faking it proved to me that I am still in here somewhere.  That I have enough strength these days to push my head above the clouds and get some sunshine.  That has given me hope that life can once again be enjoyed, even if I have to fake it at first.