What a difference a day makes

It's not that I've had a miraculous healing.  But I have been in a place today to give myself a good talking to.

Being a 'bit of a depressive' means spending a lot of time wishing I had more control over some things and denying I have any say in others.  And then there's all this introvert stuff to contend with (seriously, I thought I was more unique* than this, I'm becoming increasingly common...).

One issue I have to constantly battle is the feeling that I've lost or wasted time.  That the steps backward are more than the steps forward.

Today I decided to finally take my own advice on this matter.  Being that time moves constantly forward, it is impossible to go backward.  Every step is one forward, some might simply be into mud.  Or poop.  Or quicksand.

But all these steps are in the right direction, I can't undo the journey even if I wanted to.  So if it's all forward, with varying degrees of ease and scenery, then it can't be a disaster - right?  The bad days are just ... bad days. So I can chill the hell out.

I decided today to stop dwelling on the days I've lost this week.  If anything can be categorised as 'wasted time' surely it's that.

Today I got up, worked, took Mabel out, went to the shops, went and told the opticians my contact lens prescription was definitely wrong (it was, really wrong) and I did the kind of vacuuming where you have to actually move things.   All things I couldn't have conceived of doing 48 hours ago.  Today feels like I've taken an easier step.

The thing about seeing life as a series of forward and backwards motions, winning or losing, is that you place yourself in a constant war.  And that is simply too tiring.  So is being in conflict with yourself.  As much as it can feel easier to be wrestling with some inner demonic version of me rather than understand the vague otherness of depression, actually I need to work with myself, even the parts of me I blame.  And I probably need to stop giving myself multiple personalities.  Somewhere along the way I might be able to find a peaceful truce with myself and the clouds that come overhead.  Instead of war, some tough peacekeeping.

Today I feel like I'm standing on firm enough ground to assert all this. Tomorrow I may lose sight of it all.  But no more battles.  This war is done.



*yes I know you can't be 'more' unique.  but you get my gist, stop nitpicking and make me a cup of tea.**

**it was worth a try.