Provoked a response much?

I'd like to give my last post some context and explanation, particularly for those who fear I'm having a panicked meltdown...

I'm not panicked. I'm quietly unsettled. There are a few reasons why.

When I was 12 I stopped going to school, and never really went back. I didn't know it til years after I recovered, but I had ME (also know as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). How I managed to get some qualification and get where I am today is another story, the point I'm making here is that for about 5 years I could barely do anything, hardly take part in life and was fearfully aware that I might never get better. The life I pictured for myself drifted between 'the plan' (see previous post), and weeks spent in bed as an observer to the real world.

Today I don't take much for granted - or at least I try not to. I have to be a little careful and I know when my body and mind has had enough, and I have bad days occasionally. But all in all, I have it bloody good.

So, there is certainly an element of making up for lost time, and making the most of every bit of time I have to come.

There is another reason though.

I've seen some outrageous stuff, and heard some appalling stories. I can't sit still. I can't.

Not only is my life privileged, but I am unsettled because my soul has been shaken with anger and sadness. Time is a privilege, as is having the multitude of choices before me. Life is precious and I want to live mine with gratitude and to its fullest. My soul is determined there is a better world up for grabs and surely choosing to be part of building it is what truly makes you alive?

I am hard on myself - and that's something I concede that I need to work on.

But don't expect me to 'chill out' anytime soon. I will search for some peace and rest, and some balance even. But my soul will continue to be unsettled.

Thus far

I've not blogged for a while, because there was an earthquake... and then a fire... my brother embarked on an unexpected candle making venture the results of which have left my house fragrant... and a few other interesting happenings that have until now, left my brain unable to form any thoughts suitable for blogging consumption.

I had a feeling that 2010 would somehow be significant, I'm just panicked by the speed at which it is flying by.

I know I'm not the only one who has done this, but I've always had 'the life plan' - the one where you know what age you expect to be married, have babies, settle into a career... This year, was the year where I had to let go of the plan. And may I add, willingly. I hadn't realised I still held on to it (I was supposed to be married at 24/25, career gently moving forward in a settled way from aged 25, and the rest followed) but when I turned 25 last week I felt some burden of expectation disappear! Odd.

Now, I'm aware that I can trundle along comfortably whilst complaining that life is going too fast, or .. something else. Challenge myself maybe, possibly put a bit of effort into making life interesting. Being brave enough to put myself out there - my confidence can longer lie in being 'remarkably young to be doing what I'm doing', it has to be in being good at it.

Also, I think I should probably try to go on holiday some time.