Underqualified, Unsure and Unworthy

It's been a while, but for good reason.

For the past couple of years I've been journeying through a peculiar process known as 'discernment'.  In a nutshell (a really roomy one) this process begins with an indefinable nagging, like something in the corner of your eye that won't be caught.  This niggle for me started in Colombia, in a Catholic church, listening to a service in Spanish I couldn't understand.  I felt a powerful need to come back to the church from the edges, that despite not fitting in, being utterly frustrated and confused by it all I was part of it.

Obviously I spent a good few months laughing at the thought - I've enjoyed being a 'not one of them' Christian, standing at the doors of the institution able to speak the language but also able to criticise it.  Yet I found myself having a quick check at the criteria for ordination, yes for becoming a vicar, to reassure myself it was preposterous.

Zoom forward and I'd been nagged, asked and told too many times that I should be a vicar that I needed someone qualified to back me up and tell everyone to hush.

The next months were punctuated by meetings with church advisors who know about these things and reading books on the church, theology and being confirmed in the Anglican tradition.  All the way through I expected someone to gently lean forward and say with slightly closed eyes; 'this is a silly idea isn't it, but it kept you out of trouble for a while. Back to the real world for you'.  I expected it from myself more than anyone.

I told a few people what I was considering and no one laughed too outrageously, and even the Bishop gave me her blessing to go forth and discern.

I made it all the way to the final interview which warrants a post of its own to be honest.  In short I spent 3 days with 13 other ordination candidates being observed and trying to represent myself honestly but not too honestly, ahem, whilst coming to terms with the idea that I had to believe I was being called to something but be prepared for the powers that be to disagree.

So yeah, been a busy time with an awful lot of self examination and living with the limbo that comes with potentially going to college, or train part time, or not at all.

And the end of the story?  The Church of England are sending me to train as an actual vicar.

I know, it's still preposterous... but might be fun!?

The ineffective use of kittens.

Good for them.  I'm going back to bed.

Now, I want to have a little word about the difference between worry and anxiety.  Chiefly, all those 'life is too short to worry' pictures with happy kittens watching the sunset do not inspire people with anxiety.  Also, worrying is natural, so the kitten can shut up.

As far as I can tell (and I've not referred to the all knowing Google about this) worry takes up your thoughts; people who are more inclined to be worriers spend time thinking around the issues and distraction, counting to ten and seeking out a good listener can really help.

Anxiety on the other hand comes from a deeper place than the conscious mind.

Descriptions of the anxiety I experience are usually met with comments like 'but you seem so together?' 'you don't seem nervous when you talk on stage?' 'you seem so confident!'.  All those things are true, and have nothing to do with my struggle with anxiety.

Well I must be special then, cos I lose a LOT.  Stupid lion.

One way to describe it might be to say that my consciousness has two levels.  Ms Rational remains logical and calm, identifying what has caused an anxious reaction and steadily keeps my thoughts in check.  She's the one you'll meet.  That's who is in charge when I am working, doing a spot of public speaking and looking so very together.

Ms Anxious occasionally cranks up the speed and density of my thoughts which start whizzing through my mind, mashing together and blurring so I can't quite catch them.  She amps up my heart rate and makes me feel a tad nauseous and if left to her own devices will get me all shaky and determined that going to bed and hiding is most definitely the best scenario for everyone.  She's a quieter voice, usually and as much as she seems to be able to prompt some clever physical reactions, she is a part of me I have to treat with sensitivity and gentleness as really, she's just looking out for me.  Like my autistic puppy, she's scared of everything.

Ask my dogs, they know you're most likely to get run over.

I first hooked up with my own anxiety when I was 13 and we've been working on our relationship ever since.

For the most part, it is like glimpsing a threat on the periphery of my vision and having a physical response.  I carry on regardless, making sure I find little wins to overcome any negativity that might creep in.  And I go about my business with perhaps a bit more effort than I'd like.

At its worst anxiety makes it very hard work to get through the front door, be in crowds and look at my to do list without feeling overwhelmed.  This is not because I am worrying about those things at all, I know there is nothing to be scared of and that nothing bad will happen.  But anxiety lies deeper than my logic and prompts physical reactions that take more than a good talking to.  (Oh and panic attacks - I haven't had one in a long time but the fear of having one is enough to bring one on.  I know, hilarious.)

What the heck does this MEAN?

We all find coping mechanisms for our struggles.  I have to be very deliberate about some of mine, others have simply evolved as I've grown up.  For example it was only recently when I had a bad day that I noticed I was digging my nails into my hands as I walked through town, and realised that usually I semi-consciously force my hands to unclench and stretch...

But the best way to cope with being someone with anxiety is to recognise that it doesn't make us weak.  That's why the sunset pictures and the pseudo inspirational quotes about being peaceful and calm and worry free and fully mindful about everything everyday get to me.  I don't need to feel guilty that I struggle sometimes.  It does not make me a failure, it does not mean I'm not doing 'living' properly.  Anxious people are unbelievably strong, both on the days we overcome it and on the days we run and hide, and I will not have any kitten tell me otherwise.

Is a peaceful mind an aspiration?  Absolutely.  Would I love to find it easy to come and go, do what I like, face social situations with excitement and jump out of bed each day simply delighted by all the possibilities ahead?  Of course.  But in the meantime I shall mostly be busy being a human, facing my demons, and handling the baggage.

Happy *cough* New Year *sneeze*

It was inevitable; take a few days extra leave and get the lurgy.  I've basically been in bed since Boxing Day save spluttering my way through NYE and some family lunches.  Anyone who knows me knows that January is my nemesis; a dreaded weak spot in my year where I panic about getting older and wasting my life away...  yeah I'm just a fun machine.

So to be ill during precious time off as well as the first week of the new year is horrifying.  However I've not yet plunged into despair, maybe I'm more focused on trying to breathe through my nose, but maybe I've just grown up a bit.  Watch this space...

Now to the list I made 14 weeks ago...

1. write 14 writings - 3. ahem.

2. run 100 miles total. 0. it's been cold.

3. sell 14 items on Ebay. 0. but i'm on it this week...

4. make 14 homemade presents. . 14 different items, but multiples make over 30

5. read 14 books. 6. Books are long.

6. cycle 100 miles total. 37. roads are long.

7. try 14 new recipes. 25, many doubled up as presents

8. write 14 blog posts. 10. (that's right, not all on this blog...)

9. go to the beach 14 times. 10. it's cold.

10. play the cello 14 times. 0

11. wear high heels 14 times. 8

12. read 100 pages of the Bible. 60

13. do 100 sit ups. 0

14. encourage 14 people. Not sure... probably 2 or 3 realistically?

Not my most resounding success list wise, but I'm not too bothered.  I was glad to have a prompt to take me out of the winter lethargy,  and if 'watch far too many series on Netflix' was on there I'd have nailed it.

It wouldn't be me without another list to focus on, on top of my bucket list of course.  Here's my to do list before my birthday in 6 weeks:

1. go Gluten Free for a trial month
2. cycle 50 miles
3. read 2 books
4. declutter clothes

Yes, just the four.  Realism is appropriate for the January blues.

Off to splutter my way back to health ready to take on 2016.  Fingers crossed.

Don't get a dog on a whim. Trust me.

Big fan of the West Wing.

You know when you accidentally come home with a puppy one day and a really hard year later discover its dad wasn't its dad and thus you are landed with a different breed altogether?
(half mini poodle?  Nope.  Terrier.  Shucks.)

And also the puppy has abnormally high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone which means he lives on the edge of his nerves, at stress point all the time.

And also he has a doggy form of autism, where he cannot read or often use normal dog body language.  This means all other canines are utterly terrifying which has developed into aggressive behaviours borne out of fear.  He growls and barks to make the scary stuff go away and distract from the fact that he's tiny.

No?  Just me?

Yeah.

Finding out from a very helpful and qualified animal behaviourist that Druna being a handful was not of my making, nor is it him being of horrible character, has been a massive relief.  That said there is a whole world of work to do to make life happier for me and the dogs.  But knowing he's scared, he's not in control and those times when he is a poppet are his true character rather than an anomaly... well my patience and compassion is returning.

Now here is an incredibly important statement to put this whole post in context, take heed:  I am not at any point suggesting that having dogs is the same as having children. Nor that having a dog with behavioural issues is the same as having a child with issues.  When I say that I have a new found empathy for parents with children with additional needs, I'm not saying that I know how they feel, or am in the same boat or that my situation compares at all with the burdens and hard work those parents, and any parents carry.  But I have a new found respect and empathy and that can only be a good thing!

I walked with Druna straining at the lead last week and two people sarcastically commented how 'well trained that dog is'.  Had there been a third person they would have got the sharp end of my tongue and a tirade that went something like:  "You have no idea what this situation is, that he's hyper sensitive to stimulation and we're working really hard to make him feel safe and learn appropriate responses to stress and fear.  You have no idea that I'm often embarrassed about his behaviour, that I feel guilty when he barks insanely at every dog he hears or sees, or if people approach him too quickly. I feel like a failure that I didn't catch his issues sooner and that he's spent a lot of his life confused, frustrated and scared.  So piss off with your judgement and discouragement.  Or I'll set my dog on you."

I can only imagine how parents feel when they have a child causing a fuss or drawing attention to them.  To be tutted at, given advice or frowned at when you're doing your best, or just surviving the moment... how demoralising.

A few days a go a young mum was struggling to calm her toddler in a public place.  As I looked up I saw an elderly couple frown loudly in her direction, and a grandmother with her sleeping grandchild move away, not without rolling her eyes at the elderly couple.  Finally a middle aged woman tried to be helpful and distract the 'disruptive' child, mentioning confidently to his mother that children just need to know what behaviour is acceptable.  This wound the toddler up even more.

I was concerned that anything I did might be misconstrued as patronising or worse; I would be wary or defensive if were her.  But I smiled at this young boy as suddenly he made himself laugh loudly and with abandon.  His mother caught my eye and I can only  hope she saw that I was on her side.  I was leaving so I called over as a I passed saying 'he's gorgeous, and clearly very loved'. I felt stupid the moment it came out of my mouth but she smiled at me, probably grateful it wasn't another criticism.

Back to my dog.  The behaviourist said that his issues weren't for for beginners, and he would likely have ended up in a rescue home had he been brought home with someone with less time and other humans to care for.  He's as cute as he is a nuisance, lucky for him, and despite the way I have to make massive adjustments for him I find I love him dearly.  The thought that he might have otherwise ended up in a cage where his issues would have been reinforced, making rehoming extremely unlikely, sends a pang through my heart.  I accidentally saved him from that and he looks to me to protect and love him.  He's teaching me that I'm capable of loving even when it's really awkward and embarrassing, tiring and frustrating.

And most of all, he's teaching me to smile at anyone who looks like they're struggling.  To not judge or criticise, to assume each person has their own journey and burdens and that I have no idea what just happened or what anyone else is facing.

If in doubt, I will encourage.  If not in doubt, I will encourage.  I will try to stand up for people just doing their best.  And when I see someone adding to the burden, I'll set my dog on them.*


*for the record, Druna has a vicious bark but if really threatened he would run screaming. But let's keep that between us.  He thinks he's scary.

100 days, 14 weeks

Today I got a little restless, feeling the weight of self imposed frustration.  I have been drifting  a little as I try and find some rhythm.  As it turns out, my inner grumbling coincided with a nice and clear cut milestone: 100 days left to go until the year is done.  And thus, dear friends, a list to get me focused;

In the next 100 days, or 14 weeks, I will endeavour to ...

1. write 14 writings

2. run 100 miles total

3. sell 14 items on Ebay

4. make 14 homemade presents

5. read 14 books

6. cycle 100 miles total

7. try 14 new recipes

8. write 14 blog posts

9. go to the beach 14 times

10. play the cello 14 times

11. wear high heels 14 times

12. read 100 pages of the Bible

13. do 100 sit ups

14. encourage 14 people

Watch this space...

Learning

When I was growing up faith was like an English lesson, absorbing stories whilst the wise pointed out the moral tunes strung through each tale.  There were the victors and conquerors whose side we knew we should follow.  And the losers and the condemned; warnings of a path strayed.  The ABC was emblazoned and truths learned.

I grew to find it was all rather more like learning Maths.  I was old enough to realise I was being taught the basics, confident that if I studied hard I would learn the formulas that would one day open the doors to understanding.  It was all about building the foundations that would take me to enlightenment.

It didn't take long to move on the science, a religious kind, balancing evidence and the as yet undiscovered.  Now for the first time, wiggle room was allowed for a hypothesis to evolve and space made for a range of conclusions.  Faith became a logical, rationalised exploration with truths to uncover.

I think that now, I've graduated onto some kind of art course...  I've joined a discussion that expands even to the far reaches of what art is valid.  I'm intrigued by all the different interpretations of the same piece, Some critics burn with passion about the subject and fear dilution or distraction, they want to teach and protect what they see.  Others feel utter apathy, others still see art all around beyond the boundaries of a gallery or what could be taught in a classroom, while some had such a horrible art teacher once that they shudder at the sight of a paintbrush.  Some fear their opinions won't count, they've been shouted down in the past or shown up.  And there are the people that are utterly ill informed yet seem to be heard loudest.

And what I love is that some things that I looked at a while ago now speak to me when before there was nothing.  That sometimes I crave a simple drawing and at other times I want a complex canvas.  There's always a new way to see, comfort and questions to find.  The discourse with others only shapes and strengthens my own critical thinking, opens my eyes to see more than I could if I were to learn alone.

Keeping Up Appearances

My Live Below the Line shop

Time for a check in.  I've neglected finishing my Live Below the Line Blog following my five day stint eating on £1 a day, because honestly it got under my skin a bit.

Life has changed a lot since Christmas having gone part time, and taking on the challenge reminded me that although life is less comfortable than it was it is nothing compared to those closer to and below the poverty line.  I've gone from worried and burdened to counting my blessings.  It has been genuinely healthy to have to think about what is essential, what I can live without, what nonsense I comfort eat and what I needlessly buy off the internet when I'm a bit low...

Please don't get me wrong - I am truly blessed to have so much, a roof over my head and money to pay bills, dogs I can feed, a family to keep me secure and more than plenty compared to the majority of the world.  Having less has made me realise this more starkly than when I had more.  While disposable income is amazing and offers loads of wonderful opportunities, it doesn't automatically make us free.  Stripping back and considering carefully where each penny goes is a helpful exercise in prioritising.

For a few months I confess, I filled my new found empty time with moping, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.  All those plans to move forward and take control seemed like something to do tomorrow.  But as sometimes happens, recently life intervened and helped me out and having said wistfully; 'ideally I'd like to do a few shifts a week at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop ... or something.' I got a job at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop in town.  A month and four shifts later and I feel like it has saved me a little.

I love that I'm not near a computer on those days and I love being active and busy, and I love the ethos of person centered service, where offering time and attention is as important as whatever else you're serving.  But what I really love is being reminded in yet another job that showing people that they are valued and important and listened to is sometimes very simple, and can even be achieved by someone as hopeless as me.  That's got under my skin too.

The clouds still threaten to get darker and some days are harder than others.  I'm not a ray of sunshine and I get discouraged and grumpy and scared.  I'm still a big mess of brokenness.


But I'm ok.  Hope is not found in being comfortable, it is in letting the discomfort show you what is important.  Because I have to be more deliberate about life, the more I cherish it.  Simplicity is freeing and it's not that hard to spread smiles even when you feel empty.

So I'm ok.  Not because life got easier, but because it being difficult is teaching me to find hope.





.

Pipe down

In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.

Dante Alighieri

I guess that, because I am immersed in the world and language of depression I forget that to those who aren't, my honesty is a bit blunt.  However, if it's any consolation I really have reigned it in...My lovely friend put me on to this book, and if you read the free sample you'll find a number of quotes describing people's experience of depression.  They are raw and brutal, and refreshing.

Regardless of whether you feel all this cloud talk is appropriately tempered or not, it's fair to ask why I feel the need to write so publicly about it all.  

I've previously mentioned that being open and honest about mental health adds to the fight against stigma and isolation.  The more people who talk about it, the more people understand it, the more people find hope.

There's a far less worthy reason though.  Control.

For a long time I played the 'I'm fine' game on the assumption that my sadness was boring to everyone else, until I had to bite the bullet and reach out for support.

Opening up means letting go of control, and remember that the depressive lens adds a hint of paranoia to precedings.  So I write like this to make sure I am in control of what is out there, what is known about me.  Even if it's just my paranoia that everyone thinks I'm a waste of space, I'd rather it wasn't based on speculation.

And finally, it's control over my scatty mind.  Writing it, publishing these words says to myself 'see, I'm not too lost.'

My Bucket List

Following interest in my Thirty things to do before Thirty list here's the list that I'm now obsessing over.  There isn't a time limit on it this time - well not in the same way.  There's a deadline, I just don't know when it is...

I've been really fortunate to travel and do some pretty cool stuff but also I don't want to have a list of things that are dependent on me having a serious amount of disposable income.  That's pretty discouraging particularly as for the foreseeable future I'm living on a shoestring.  

So for those who asked, here is the work in progress split into two categories; simple and expensive.  Feel free to steal any ideas and let me know if you have others I should add!  

Simple Significant Ideas	Big Crazy Ideas
Climb Snowdon	Visit Denver, Colorado
Sail independently	Visit Vancouver
Watch 10 documentaries on subjects I’m not interested in	Eat at Michelin Star Restaurant (not pub)
Learn to alter clothes properly	Do skydive
Grow hair long again at some point	Go to international rugby match
Skinny Dip	Learn to ride a motorbike
Make a will	Go Parasailing
Do a sportif	Go up in an air balloon
Learn to build something (like the bed I now need)	Publish my own writing
Write to significant people I’ve lost touch with	Watch a live recording of a TV show
Do another 3 week detox	Do a NYE in Edinburgh
Volunteer in a charity shop	Go on a last minute road trip and book accommodation on the way...
Be part of a play	Ride in a helicopter
Watch a sunrise and sunset in the same day	Go on a led retreat
Sing karaoke in public	Hike in Scotland
Play cello at a public performance	Cycle Coast to Coast
Plan my own funeral
Plant a tree
Make ice cream
Fill in my autobiography book (and remember what I have done not just what I want to do)
Be blonde just once
Wear heels everyday for a month
Learn something crafty (craftsy course?)
Read 10 books on subjects I don’t know about
YouTube vocal teachers and strengthen voice
Read all the books I own
Learn a 20 minute yoga routine
Learn the rules of poker
Draw something frame-able http://www.learn-to-draw.com/
Get typing speed up http://www.learntyping.org/
Do a cooking course http://www.chef2chef.net/learn-to-cook/
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/upcoming

Moving on.

I'm a sucker for markers and I'm feeling profound on this, the last day of my twenties. Not in the slightest bit concerned about age, but with a chapter closed and new one to be marked.  I'm trying to avoid holding myself to a set of expectations, to what security and achievements I might have hoped to be celebrating today.  

I'm desperately holding to the idea that being unsettled is a gift, that growing in my honest brokenness is to be embraced and that life is found in the falling and failing as much as in the surges of success.

Don't get me wrong, I could make a list of things I'm really proud I've done, moments I treasure and experiences I feel incredibly fortunate to have behind me.  But I guess I find it difficult at this unsure point in time to not wish I had a little more to take with me as the page turns.

Anyway, a year ago I made a list of things to do before I turned 30.  Some people don't need or like these kinds of things but it has encouraged me to steer around some of the 'I meant to do that', 'I would have like to do that', 'I wish I had done that' excuses that I want so deeply to avoid.  

On one hand I take massive risks, can be impulsive and make things happen.  On the other, I find it too easy to back away from the uncomfortable, procrastinate and am cautious about taking and making opportunities.  Sometimes I need one half of me to hold the other in check.

I'm glad I did the list, and I will miss it.  I hope I can keep the spirit of ticking things off in my mind, that I can be deliberate about living.


30 Things To Do Before I'm 30

1. Bodyboard:  Done.  And surfing (nearly)

Look, I made bread.

2.  Make real pasta:  Done, but fairly inedible.  Turns out I enjoy making bread though, so that's one carb I may conquer.

3.  Try sushi:  Done, not too fussed about it.

4.  Wax legs:  One of those things that really is as painful the first time as you expect.  Tick.

5. Cycle to Exeter:  And some...

6.  Pay for a strangers' coffee:  This made me more anxious than it probably should have done, I was worried about someone turning me down or catching me at the door to call me a weirdo as I tried to leave with some subtlety.  In the end I gave a cafe £5 and asked them to take it off the bill of the next person who paid for something.  It felt nice but certainly more uncomfortable than it should have done...

7.  Read five novels: done

8.  Go to the dentist:  Now see, I have a bit of a phobia and I have put this off hugely (for about 8 years).  I got a registration form twice and genuinely lost it... but finally have an initial appointment next week.  I am 87% sure I'll get there.

These two 'helped' with the list...

9.  Sail independently:  Unfortunately I didn't even get on the water this year.  This is the kind of thing that strongly depends on other people and the ducks didn't align...  This summer, for sure.

10.  Sew a cushion cover and 11.  Sew a bag:  I did attempt this a couple of times over the year but my sewing machine needs a more experienced eye to make it behave properly.  However this week my mum and I sat down and cut out the bag, and tomorrow I'm taking my machine for her to fix and a bag and cover we shall make.  I don't really have the patience for fiddly things and struggle with precision on anything other than a computer...  but I'd love to be a confident sewer.  This is a good step.

12.  Blow up a balloon without crying:  Shut up.

300 miles DONE

13.  Clear out DVDs and misc nonsense:  Done.  

14:  Have a dinner party:  Some friends old and new came together and put up with my weird concoctions.  At a point I was feeling quite reclusive I was glad this was on my list to encourage me to reach out.  And no one got ill.

15.  Make a cake: Beetroot and Chocolate.  Boom.

16. Do a cycle challenge:  Have I not mentioned this recently?

17.  Watch all of West Wing:  I got into Netflix and watched a fair amount of other top notch drama.

18.  Paint a picture:  Done, and no I'm not showing you.

19.  Buy some jeans that fit:  Complicated one; thanks to the cycling my body shape changed a lot so I have had jeans that have both fitted and not throughout the year.  Exciting stuff.

20.  Climb Snowdon:  Left it too late and decided it was unwise in Jan or Feb.  Another one for this summer though.

21.  Send an anonymous gift: Done.

Rugger with Pa 

22.  Create the book of my life so far:  This was to encourage me to scan in all our family albums, which I have done.  Good thing I had the deadline as it pushed me to keep going, our photos are very precious and I shall be making lots of photobox gifts for a long time to come as well as my own 30 Years Smilebox.

23.  See Arsenal play:  Not on my salary.  But watched a game on TV.

24:  See Exeter Chiefs play:  Done, against London Irish (who lost) with my dad.  Good times.

Upcycletastic

25.  Go to a music concert: I did, with my brother.  Baka Beyond, world music.  Cultured.

26.  See a comedian live: Several, in Dublin with my bestie.

27.  Upcycle a piece of furniture:  Loved this one, if I had space I'd have upcycled my hear out all year.

Buried treasure

28: Swim in the sea:  Done, in the South China Sea.

29.  Bury some treasure:  Done, no I'm not telling where.

30.  Watch the top ten movies ever:  There are a few that I should have seen and clearly it's objective so having consulted 'the internet' I have now seen: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Pulp Fiction, The English Patient, Reservoir Dogs, Schindler's List, Rain Man, Annie Hall, The Dark Knight, Talented Mr Ripley, Erin Brockovich.   


So that's it - 21 Ticked off and 5 pending/gave myself a half point.

Now, what to do with the next 30 years...?