Another quote

“We don’t experience life as it is. We experience life as we are”

(from the Talmud – part of the central text of the Jewish faith)

Burn Out

I had a revelation this week.  I'm not sure if my conclusions will stick, be controversial, prompt some responses - I hope they do.  I'm thinking out loud (yet silently, oh how profound) and would love to hear what ideas other people have on this here subject.  Here goes:

It is all too common for people in all sorts of sectors to over work.  I know from my experience in ministry and the charity sector that there's a certain badge of honour attached to pushing yourself.  No one says it, but we all want to be one of those people seen to be earning our way and going the extra mile.  Some of us do thrive under pressure and like the whirlwind of busy-ness.  But there is a sort of martyrdom to it all, and it inevitably leads to burn out or break down.

Mabel recharging.

For me, some of the reasons I pushed myself so hard in the past include:

- fear that I wasn't good enough
- fear that I would be judged for not doing enough
- fear that I would let people down
- fear that I wouldn't be respected
- fear that I had nothing else to fill the time
- fear that I wouldn't be as good as everyone else

Hmmm.  I also liked my job, loved the work and enjoyed myself.  Mostly.  I like to be seen as a 'busy person', I thought that showed my value.  My ego loved it when people admired how I 'fit it all in' or 'kept going'.

Until I stopped keeping on going.  And as I picked myself up knowing I had to change something I lost sight of who I was outside of what I did.

So as I've grown up a bit I've tried to learn some new habits, but I've struggled to know when to go the extra mile and when to stay within strict boundaries.  I mean, giving your all  is a good thing, right?

I think, that there is a difference between going the extra mile and over doing it.

One is selfish, the other is selfless.

I wonder if there's a checklist that might be useful (lists, love 'em), something like this:

- Am I doing extra because I have to earn something
- Am I doing more because I feel passionately I can offer something
- Am I giving more because I don't want someone else to do it
- Am I giving extra because someone needs me to help

... and so on.  Sacrifice is biblical.  Earning your worth or feeding your ego is not.

I think that putting others first can be something that sustains us, as long as we let others serve us too and value ourselves.  So, go the extra mile but make sure you've got the right shoes on.

Thoughts?

To the other 1 in 4

Time for a slightly less ranty post.  Less fun, but just as necessary.

There are various statistics on mental health issues.  It's estimated that 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer from a mental health issue each year.  My guess is that a lot of people keep it to themselves and get through it alone, while others need a small army of support just to keep going.

Either way, at least 1 in 4 people must be supporting those who are suffering.  And that can't be easy.

These people are nothing short of heroes.  To watch someone you love feel so awful about themselves, to feel helpless and unsure of how to act from one day to the next; let alone being on the sharp end of someone's moods... it can be just as hard, albeit in a different way, for the supporters as it is for those who are ill.

So for you wonderful, exceptional people hanging in there with the broken, sad and suffering, I made a list;

1.  Thank you for not being put off when you do something hugely generous and you don't seem to see a reaction.  There is one.  Really deep down.  You are so appreciated, please don't think you're not.  Emotional expression is unavailable at the moment.

2. Thank you for not stopping the calls, texts, IMs, emails and such even when no one picks up or answers.  It might feel futile and outright rude, but even seeing your name on the screen says 'I care, I notice you, I'm thinking of you'.

3.  Thank you for not trying to be a fixer.  It's so tempting to come up with a to do list and action plan in the face of someone who isn't thinking clearly.  But sometimes a listening ear is all that's required, and being 'managed' can feel overwhelming.  Thank you for waiting for the right time to take the lead, it's frustrating, but your tolerance is so valued.

4.  Thank you for being patient.  With mood swings, the time it take to do anything, and how long it's taking to see an improvement.  Thank you for not putting on any pressure to get better any more quickly, the feeling of guilt can be so weighty that it's such a help to know you're ok with however long it takes.

5.  Thank you for trying to understand in a meaningful way.  There are no clear cut categories or 'normal' processes, thank you for getting how individual and confusing it can all be.

6. Thank you for acting normally.  Mental health issues make you feel like you're so odd that it's nice to know 'normal' people can stand to be around.  And being treated like a child, a leper or non-English speaker just adds to the feeling of being weird and alone.

7. Thank you for getting how important small steps are without seeing them as silly.  And for being there to help take them.

8.  Thank you for your forgiveness, for all of the above.

Nice quote

One day

 

Irregular Choice shoes.  Sigh.

Shut Up.

One of my strengths, if I may be so bold, is my straight talking (at least, I think so).  It's an alarming trait for many people around me, bless them.  But I can't help being a tad blunt. I do have to watch myself and I have learnt a great deal of diplomacy and thus have got away with a fair bit of verbal maiming, but I'm glad I'm a get to the point, say what you mean kind of person.

Alas, I have to hold my tongue more often than I'd like and so I'm taking this here opportunity to get some (censored) bluntness off my chest.

Empty platitudes.  On behalf of my friends who have been through such pain and tragedy and anyone else going through hard times and get these kinds of pithy pats on head.  Here is my wrath*:

*I had to re write this a lot of times to make it parent friendly, and cut down the list quite considerably because I got pretty ranty.  Made me feel better writing it all though.

1.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Apart from polio.  Or a stroke.  Or being so hurt by someone you never trust again.  In fact there are lots of things that leave you weak and vulnerable.  Age, in fact, is another.  I know lots of oldies who are getting weaker.

But then, what is strength.  You mean 'not let things get to you' don't you?  That's not strength.  That's lying.

2.  Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

No it's not.  It's part of the human condition.  The things that are optional are the things that cause the pain and suffering; injustice, abuse, neglect and so on.  But they're rarely the option of the person suffering.  

And don't make it sound like suffering is a bad thing, the wrong choice.  Not letting the pain have an outlet is stupid.  You're stupid.

3.  Things can only get better.

Or stay the same.  Or get worse.

 4.  If you really want something, you just have to go out and get it.

I want a monkey that does my washing up and customises my clothing. I also want to be able to sing like Etta James, earn money by walking my dog on the beach and be able to write a blog which uses punctuation correctly and doesn't overuse commas.  So do I just do an internet search... ?

5.  Anything is possible.

See number 4.

6.  Don't over-think.  Just let it go.

Oh sorry, yeah I'll just rewire my brain and change how I am.  Maybe thinking about things is how I process.  Maybe I'm not ready to let go.  You don't know.  Go away.

7.  Things happen for a reason.

And that reason is... because the world is full of consequences and unknowns.  Things happen because if they didn't we'd be in a vacuum not being anything.  This, therefore, is not a comforting statement, is it.  

Oh, you mean 'a reason'.  Like a lesson, or a plan... so we're just pawns?  Some of us die young to teach others?  Or innocent babies suffer tremendously at the hand of a ethereal game player?  

Oh you mean a reason from the past.  Oh... I brought this on myself.  Or someone else did.  Always someone to blame.  Really helpful, I'll just go and obsess over my whole life history.

Unless you're going to give me the actual reason with evidence to support it, shut up.

8. Stay positive, and positive things will happen.

I can create a force-field around me that will simultaneously protect me and boost me towards a happy and fulfilled life?  I didn't realise nothing bad happened to positive people.  There can't be many positive people out there.  They're clearly too busy being deliriously happy while the rest of us prevent good things happen with our darned sensitivity to the actual real world.

9.  Live for the moment, seize the day

You mean to throw caution to the wind, don't you. 
That's fine if you have no responsibility or plans to eat when you're old and seizing up in an entirely different way.  

What if the moment and the day are pretty scary. Sometimes it's an uphill battle to get to a place where anything can be seized.  Sometimes it's OK to wish the day away and start again tomorrow without feeling like you're wasting your life.

10. It's about the journey not the destination.

Try telling that to the audience waiting for me to turn up to speak.

11.  These things are sent to test us.

By who?  That's just made me angrier? Who hates me that much?  Do you have their address?  I have a strongly worded letter to write.

12.  God won't give you more than you can handle.

So we will all survive everything...?  And martyrs and victims of suicide...?  Um...  

And also, he's not that mean.  Stop blaming him.  Life gives you a mixed bag.  It's not all an endurance test. We're not contestants on the Crystal Maze.

13.  If it's meant to be...

Oh good, I'll stop trying to grow in wisdom and common sense and just wait for it all to fall into place.  I do rather hate making decisions and taking responsibility.

14.  Time is a healer.

Unless you have an untreated infection.  Or are waiting for something or someone.  Or you're stuck in a hole, literally or metaphorically.  Or if you've lost something or someone that can't be replaced.  Or you're not immortal.

Sometimes you never get healed from something, grief or tragedy can change you and you don't heal, you adapt.  And there is no time frame for coming to terms with anything.  

And actually, knowing it might get easier doesn't always make the now that much brighter because 'eventually' seems too far away.  I need help now.

I know, I'm cynical and grumpy.  And I know people say this stuff because a) they feel they have to say something or b) they are genuinely trying to help.  But sometimes they are so hurtful.  Particularly the ones that suggest someone shouldn't feel as they do.

It's natural to want to explain things away.  But it's better to say nothing, or better still to journey alongside a suffering person rather than pull them into a place you feel more comfortable dealing with.

I had a good list of 'Christian' platitudes that I deleted.  I decided I didn't want to offend anyone (for now), and I actually found I uncovered some unresolved hurt in some of them. Maybe I'll revisit them in a more measured way sometime.  I simply believe faith doesn't mean we can explain everything, nor should it mean we never struggle.

Life is messy.  We need to get our hands dirty not box our struggles up neatly.