Then over the space of a week I abdicated, choosing to slowly return to the Real World. The World in which I am not in charge or control but I probably stand more chance at reaching some of my potential. As you can imagine, I'm desperate to write a list of some kind, bullet pointing how I got from one world to another. But instead I have two evolving insights;
For the past months I've been taking a little more notice of articles about mental health and on the whole have found them, and the mere fact they exist in mainstream discourse, a comfort. When I saw Ruby Wax was blogging from her own depths and the way she was received on social media by people crying 'yes, exactly' I was inspired by her courage not just to write it, but to wait it out.
I did let myself wallow a bit, and a bit too long. But the new twist was that I didn't let it add to the wonky voices that so regularly convince me I'm worthless. Just an illness. Just waiting it for it to pass, like the clouds.
Secondly, I have learned how sensitive I am to inconsistency and to change. Depression makes you constantly measure yourself to the external and the more things around you change, the more it makes your confidence wobble. But if I need consistency from other people, I really have to apply it to my values. After a fortnight in Wallowsville I remembered that no one was going to come and save me. There were gorgeous people with hands outstretched to me, but no one was going to lift my arm up to meet them.
Bottom line? Depressed or not, I'm a better person when my world doesn't revolve around me. When I hold on to the smallest shred of knowledge that I am able to still give something at my lowest, rather than give nothing when I'm hiding under my duvet, I get just enough motivation to sigh 'nothing to lose' and start making contact with the scary Outside Land.
A few scary steps taken and the simple fact that the clouds were on the move and I'm ending the month in a different place. I'll probably pop back to Cloudy Town sometime but I won't panic. I may write a bad review... but I'll keep my eye on the horizon and stick to my guns; no one can take the initial steps out of there but me. So when I'm ready, time to get trudging.
One final thing, if I may. I got some feedback suggesting I stop 'adding to the whingers on the internet'.
People like Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax and so many others are changing the face of mental health, making those who feel they are struggling and unimportant know that they are not alone - far from it in fact. The more people who talk about it, admit to it and normalise it the better. What if we could take the stigma away from depression so that we can deal with the illness head on?!
I'm not famous or influential, but in joining in that conversation, adding to the movement; I am in fact trying to changing the world a little.
Thank goodness. I do not have the brain space to think of a new name for this blog....
