Don't get a dog on a whim. Trust me.

Big fan of the West Wing.

You know when you accidentally come home with a puppy one day and a really hard year later discover its dad wasn't its dad and thus you are landed with a different breed altogether?
(half mini poodle?  Nope.  Terrier.  Shucks.)

And also the puppy has abnormally high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone which means he lives on the edge of his nerves, at stress point all the time.

And also he has a doggy form of autism, where he cannot read or often use normal dog body language.  This means all other canines are utterly terrifying which has developed into aggressive behaviours borne out of fear.  He growls and barks to make the scary stuff go away and distract from the fact that he's tiny.

No?  Just me?

Yeah.

Finding out from a very helpful and qualified animal behaviourist that Druna being a handful was not of my making, nor is it him being of horrible character, has been a massive relief.  That said there is a whole world of work to do to make life happier for me and the dogs.  But knowing he's scared, he's not in control and those times when he is a poppet are his true character rather than an anomaly... well my patience and compassion is returning.

Now here is an incredibly important statement to put this whole post in context, take heed:  I am not at any point suggesting that having dogs is the same as having children. Nor that having a dog with behavioural issues is the same as having a child with issues.  When I say that I have a new found empathy for parents with children with additional needs, I'm not saying that I know how they feel, or am in the same boat or that my situation compares at all with the burdens and hard work those parents, and any parents carry.  But I have a new found respect and empathy and that can only be a good thing!

I walked with Druna straining at the lead last week and two people sarcastically commented how 'well trained that dog is'.  Had there been a third person they would have got the sharp end of my tongue and a tirade that went something like:  "You have no idea what this situation is, that he's hyper sensitive to stimulation and we're working really hard to make him feel safe and learn appropriate responses to stress and fear.  You have no idea that I'm often embarrassed about his behaviour, that I feel guilty when he barks insanely at every dog he hears or sees, or if people approach him too quickly. I feel like a failure that I didn't catch his issues sooner and that he's spent a lot of his life confused, frustrated and scared.  So piss off with your judgement and discouragement.  Or I'll set my dog on you."

I can only imagine how parents feel when they have a child causing a fuss or drawing attention to them.  To be tutted at, given advice or frowned at when you're doing your best, or just surviving the moment... how demoralising.

A few days a go a young mum was struggling to calm her toddler in a public place.  As I looked up I saw an elderly couple frown loudly in her direction, and a grandmother with her sleeping grandchild move away, not without rolling her eyes at the elderly couple.  Finally a middle aged woman tried to be helpful and distract the 'disruptive' child, mentioning confidently to his mother that children just need to know what behaviour is acceptable.  This wound the toddler up even more.

I was concerned that anything I did might be misconstrued as patronising or worse; I would be wary or defensive if were her.  But I smiled at this young boy as suddenly he made himself laugh loudly and with abandon.  His mother caught my eye and I can only  hope she saw that I was on her side.  I was leaving so I called over as a I passed saying 'he's gorgeous, and clearly very loved'. I felt stupid the moment it came out of my mouth but she smiled at me, probably grateful it wasn't another criticism.

Back to my dog.  The behaviourist said that his issues weren't for for beginners, and he would likely have ended up in a rescue home had he been brought home with someone with less time and other humans to care for.  He's as cute as he is a nuisance, lucky for him, and despite the way I have to make massive adjustments for him I find I love him dearly.  The thought that he might have otherwise ended up in a cage where his issues would have been reinforced, making rehoming extremely unlikely, sends a pang through my heart.  I accidentally saved him from that and he looks to me to protect and love him.  He's teaching me that I'm capable of loving even when it's really awkward and embarrassing, tiring and frustrating.

And most of all, he's teaching me to smile at anyone who looks like they're struggling.  To not judge or criticise, to assume each person has their own journey and burdens and that I have no idea what just happened or what anyone else is facing.

If in doubt, I will encourage.  If not in doubt, I will encourage.  I will try to stand up for people just doing their best.  And when I see someone adding to the burden, I'll set my dog on them.*


*for the record, Druna has a vicious bark but if really threatened he would run screaming. But let's keep that between us.  He thinks he's scary.

100 days, 14 weeks

Today I got a little restless, feeling the weight of self imposed frustration.  I have been drifting  a little as I try and find some rhythm.  As it turns out, my inner grumbling coincided with a nice and clear cut milestone: 100 days left to go until the year is done.  And thus, dear friends, a list to get me focused;

In the next 100 days, or 14 weeks, I will endeavour to ...

1. write 14 writings

2. run 100 miles total

3. sell 14 items on Ebay

4. make 14 homemade presents

5. read 14 books

6. cycle 100 miles total

7. try 14 new recipes

8. write 14 blog posts

9. go to the beach 14 times

10. play the cello 14 times

11. wear high heels 14 times

12. read 100 pages of the Bible

13. do 100 sit ups

14. encourage 14 people

Watch this space...

Learning

When I was growing up faith was like an English lesson, absorbing stories whilst the wise pointed out the moral tunes strung through each tale.  There were the victors and conquerors whose side we knew we should follow.  And the losers and the condemned; warnings of a path strayed.  The ABC was emblazoned and truths learned.

I grew to find it was all rather more like learning Maths.  I was old enough to realise I was being taught the basics, confident that if I studied hard I would learn the formulas that would one day open the doors to understanding.  It was all about building the foundations that would take me to enlightenment.

It didn't take long to move on the science, a religious kind, balancing evidence and the as yet undiscovered.  Now for the first time, wiggle room was allowed for a hypothesis to evolve and space made for a range of conclusions.  Faith became a logical, rationalised exploration with truths to uncover.

I think that now, I've graduated onto some kind of art course...  I've joined a discussion that expands even to the far reaches of what art is valid.  I'm intrigued by all the different interpretations of the same piece, Some critics burn with passion about the subject and fear dilution or distraction, they want to teach and protect what they see.  Others feel utter apathy, others still see art all around beyond the boundaries of a gallery or what could be taught in a classroom, while some had such a horrible art teacher once that they shudder at the sight of a paintbrush.  Some fear their opinions won't count, they've been shouted down in the past or shown up.  And there are the people that are utterly ill informed yet seem to be heard loudest.

And what I love is that some things that I looked at a while ago now speak to me when before there was nothing.  That sometimes I crave a simple drawing and at other times I want a complex canvas.  There's always a new way to see, comfort and questions to find.  The discourse with others only shapes and strengthens my own critical thinking, opens my eyes to see more than I could if I were to learn alone.

Keeping Up Appearances

My Live Below the Line shop

Time for a check in.  I've neglected finishing my Live Below the Line Blog following my five day stint eating on £1 a day, because honestly it got under my skin a bit.

Life has changed a lot since Christmas having gone part time, and taking on the challenge reminded me that although life is less comfortable than it was it is nothing compared to those closer to and below the poverty line.  I've gone from worried and burdened to counting my blessings.  It has been genuinely healthy to have to think about what is essential, what I can live without, what nonsense I comfort eat and what I needlessly buy off the internet when I'm a bit low...

Please don't get me wrong - I am truly blessed to have so much, a roof over my head and money to pay bills, dogs I can feed, a family to keep me secure and more than plenty compared to the majority of the world.  Having less has made me realise this more starkly than when I had more.  While disposable income is amazing and offers loads of wonderful opportunities, it doesn't automatically make us free.  Stripping back and considering carefully where each penny goes is a helpful exercise in prioritising.

For a few months I confess, I filled my new found empty time with moping, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.  All those plans to move forward and take control seemed like something to do tomorrow.  But as sometimes happens, recently life intervened and helped me out and having said wistfully; 'ideally I'd like to do a few shifts a week at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop ... or something.' I got a job at a lovely friendly independent coffee shop in town.  A month and four shifts later and I feel like it has saved me a little.

I love that I'm not near a computer on those days and I love being active and busy, and I love the ethos of person centered service, where offering time and attention is as important as whatever else you're serving.  But what I really love is being reminded in yet another job that showing people that they are valued and important and listened to is sometimes very simple, and can even be achieved by someone as hopeless as me.  That's got under my skin too.

The clouds still threaten to get darker and some days are harder than others.  I'm not a ray of sunshine and I get discouraged and grumpy and scared.  I'm still a big mess of brokenness.


But I'm ok.  Hope is not found in being comfortable, it is in letting the discomfort show you what is important.  Because I have to be more deliberate about life, the more I cherish it.  Simplicity is freeing and it's not that hard to spread smiles even when you feel empty.

So I'm ok.  Not because life got easier, but because it being difficult is teaching me to find hope.





.

A different challenge

This week I'm taking on the Live Below the Line challenge, and will be blogging here:  www.livebelowtheline.com/me/lmcadam

Pipe down

In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.

Dante Alighieri

I guess that, because I am immersed in the world and language of depression I forget that to those who aren't, my honesty is a bit blunt.  However, if it's any consolation I really have reigned it in...My lovely friend put me on to this book, and if you read the free sample you'll find a number of quotes describing people's experience of depression.  They are raw and brutal, and refreshing.

Regardless of whether you feel all this cloud talk is appropriately tempered or not, it's fair to ask why I feel the need to write so publicly about it all.  

I've previously mentioned that being open and honest about mental health adds to the fight against stigma and isolation.  The more people who talk about it, the more people understand it, the more people find hope.

There's a far less worthy reason though.  Control.

For a long time I played the 'I'm fine' game on the assumption that my sadness was boring to everyone else, until I had to bite the bullet and reach out for support.

Opening up means letting go of control, and remember that the depressive lens adds a hint of paranoia to precedings.  So I write like this to make sure I am in control of what is out there, what is known about me.  Even if it's just my paranoia that everyone thinks I'm a waste of space, I'd rather it wasn't based on speculation.

And finally, it's control over my scatty mind.  Writing it, publishing these words says to myself 'see, I'm not too lost.'

Have you met the Vicious Spiral? It's mean.

If you've not had the misfortune to meet this particular phenomenon, I will now introduce you through the medium of a scribble:

I drew this on yellow paper to make it japey.

The Vicious Spiral is a haunting process that, with sinister subtlety, drags a fragile being away from joy.  It's unpredictable, and yet feels inevitable.  It's obvious and yet insidious.  

For the past month my insomnia, a companion for as long as I can remember, has gone on leave and instead I have found myself needing at least 12 hours sleep otherwise I feel like I'm going to keel over and preferably I'd be getting closer to 16 hours of zzz's.   And it's not refreshing sleep; if I'm awake I'm wanting to be in bed.  It has been disabling.  And while what started this new fad shall most likely remain a mystery, it is now a habitual spiraling mess.

Work has meant I've had days when I've hoped a reset button had been pressed and I could be returned to living during daylight hours but the truth is, I'm so fed up and lethargic if I can stay in bed, I do.  It's really difficult to dredge up will power when everything feels so difficult, and lethargy makes rational thinking feel impossible, and the sense of failure makes everything seem pointless anyway.

Now, to the point of this post (which is not to have a big public me-fest).  Have you ever tried to tell normal people - particularly those with demanding jobs and family lives - that you're so very tired and sleeping for more than half the day?  If you haven't, let me warn you that the response is not as compassionate as you might hope.  'I have nothing to get me out of bed' and 'I go to bed at 8pm and sleep right through' does not engender too much sympathy, confusion is more likely.  (That said, my parents are awesome and my mother can finish the end of my whinging with true empathy and accuracy).

So I'm actually writing this as a plea to those seeking to understand and support their struggling friends.  Sometimes the things us depressives find hard will sound preposterous, ungrateful and pathetic.  We know.  We think so too.

What fuels the spiral is not just the practical pitfalls.  It's the shame.

It's the constant voice that whispers that everyone else is coping better with a harder deal and that you must be so useless you can't even deal with the easy lot you've been given.  You are convinced that everyone will think less of you, laugh or even get annoyed at you for being so weak.

So you withdraw and hide and tell everyone you're fine because it's embarrassing to admit that it's hard to get out of bed or that you're scared to leave the house.  And the spiral takes hold and it's an almighty effort to reverse it.

We all want to be the hero about whom people say things such as 'she's so strong even with all she's up against' or 'he is so together'.  We want to be admired for our strength over adversity, and be 'brave'.  It's awful to know that with even a relatively light load to carry, you still can't cope.  What have I got to be depressed about?

Professional nappers.

My plea to both sufferers and supporters is this; it is easy to be compassionate to people who are struggling in ways you can understand.  It is very hard when the struggles seem disproportionate or insignificant.  But depression changes the measures and scales, and comparisons between people's lives are distracting.

I guess (because I'm really no expert) that this whole deal is about taking people at their word.  If people say they want to support you, tell them what's going on even if you don't know how they can help.  If someone tells you they are struggling, listen to their hurt not just the practical details which may seem silly.

And if you are tempted to go back to bed, I recommend getting some nap buddies.

My Bucket List

Following interest in my Thirty things to do before Thirty list here's the list that I'm now obsessing over.  There isn't a time limit on it this time - well not in the same way.  There's a deadline, I just don't know when it is...

I've been really fortunate to travel and do some pretty cool stuff but also I don't want to have a list of things that are dependent on me having a serious amount of disposable income.  That's pretty discouraging particularly as for the foreseeable future I'm living on a shoestring.  

So for those who asked, here is the work in progress split into two categories; simple and expensive.  Feel free to steal any ideas and let me know if you have others I should add!  

Simple Significant Ideas	Big Crazy Ideas
Climb Snowdon	Visit Denver, Colorado
Sail independently	Visit Vancouver
Watch 10 documentaries on subjects I’m not interested in	Eat at Michelin Star Restaurant (not pub)
Learn to alter clothes properly	Do skydive
Grow hair long again at some point	Go to international rugby match
Skinny Dip	Learn to ride a motorbike
Make a will	Go Parasailing
Do a sportif	Go up in an air balloon
Learn to build something (like the bed I now need)	Publish my own writing
Write to significant people I’ve lost touch with	Watch a live recording of a TV show
Do another 3 week detox	Do a NYE in Edinburgh
Volunteer in a charity shop	Go on a last minute road trip and book accommodation on the way...
Be part of a play	Ride in a helicopter
Watch a sunrise and sunset in the same day	Go on a led retreat
Sing karaoke in public	Hike in Scotland
Play cello at a public performance	Cycle Coast to Coast
Plan my own funeral
Plant a tree
Make ice cream
Fill in my autobiography book (and remember what I have done not just what I want to do)
Be blonde just once
Wear heels everyday for a month
Learn something crafty (craftsy course?)
Read 10 books on subjects I don’t know about
YouTube vocal teachers and strengthen voice
Read all the books I own
Learn a 20 minute yoga routine
Learn the rules of poker
Draw something frame-able http://www.learn-to-draw.com/
Get typing speed up http://www.learntyping.org/
Do a cooking course http://www.chef2chef.net/learn-to-cook/
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/upcoming

Moving on.

I'm a sucker for markers and I'm feeling profound on this, the last day of my twenties. Not in the slightest bit concerned about age, but with a chapter closed and new one to be marked.  I'm trying to avoid holding myself to a set of expectations, to what security and achievements I might have hoped to be celebrating today.  

I'm desperately holding to the idea that being unsettled is a gift, that growing in my honest brokenness is to be embraced and that life is found in the falling and failing as much as in the surges of success.

Don't get me wrong, I could make a list of things I'm really proud I've done, moments I treasure and experiences I feel incredibly fortunate to have behind me.  But I guess I find it difficult at this unsure point in time to not wish I had a little more to take with me as the page turns.

Anyway, a year ago I made a list of things to do before I turned 30.  Some people don't need or like these kinds of things but it has encouraged me to steer around some of the 'I meant to do that', 'I would have like to do that', 'I wish I had done that' excuses that I want so deeply to avoid.  

On one hand I take massive risks, can be impulsive and make things happen.  On the other, I find it too easy to back away from the uncomfortable, procrastinate and am cautious about taking and making opportunities.  Sometimes I need one half of me to hold the other in check.

I'm glad I did the list, and I will miss it.  I hope I can keep the spirit of ticking things off in my mind, that I can be deliberate about living.


30 Things To Do Before I'm 30

1. Bodyboard:  Done.  And surfing (nearly)

Look, I made bread.

2.  Make real pasta:  Done, but fairly inedible.  Turns out I enjoy making bread though, so that's one carb I may conquer.

3.  Try sushi:  Done, not too fussed about it.

4.  Wax legs:  One of those things that really is as painful the first time as you expect.  Tick.

5. Cycle to Exeter:  And some...

6.  Pay for a strangers' coffee:  This made me more anxious than it probably should have done, I was worried about someone turning me down or catching me at the door to call me a weirdo as I tried to leave with some subtlety.  In the end I gave a cafe £5 and asked them to take it off the bill of the next person who paid for something.  It felt nice but certainly more uncomfortable than it should have done...

7.  Read five novels: done

8.  Go to the dentist:  Now see, I have a bit of a phobia and I have put this off hugely (for about 8 years).  I got a registration form twice and genuinely lost it... but finally have an initial appointment next week.  I am 87% sure I'll get there.

These two 'helped' with the list...

9.  Sail independently:  Unfortunately I didn't even get on the water this year.  This is the kind of thing that strongly depends on other people and the ducks didn't align...  This summer, for sure.

10.  Sew a cushion cover and 11.  Sew a bag:  I did attempt this a couple of times over the year but my sewing machine needs a more experienced eye to make it behave properly.  However this week my mum and I sat down and cut out the bag, and tomorrow I'm taking my machine for her to fix and a bag and cover we shall make.  I don't really have the patience for fiddly things and struggle with precision on anything other than a computer...  but I'd love to be a confident sewer.  This is a good step.

12.  Blow up a balloon without crying:  Shut up.

300 miles DONE

13.  Clear out DVDs and misc nonsense:  Done.  

14:  Have a dinner party:  Some friends old and new came together and put up with my weird concoctions.  At a point I was feeling quite reclusive I was glad this was on my list to encourage me to reach out.  And no one got ill.

15.  Make a cake: Beetroot and Chocolate.  Boom.

16. Do a cycle challenge:  Have I not mentioned this recently?

17.  Watch all of West Wing:  I got into Netflix and watched a fair amount of other top notch drama.

18.  Paint a picture:  Done, and no I'm not showing you.

19.  Buy some jeans that fit:  Complicated one; thanks to the cycling my body shape changed a lot so I have had jeans that have both fitted and not throughout the year.  Exciting stuff.

20.  Climb Snowdon:  Left it too late and decided it was unwise in Jan or Feb.  Another one for this summer though.

21.  Send an anonymous gift: Done.

Rugger with Pa 

22.  Create the book of my life so far:  This was to encourage me to scan in all our family albums, which I have done.  Good thing I had the deadline as it pushed me to keep going, our photos are very precious and I shall be making lots of photobox gifts for a long time to come as well as my own 30 Years Smilebox.

23.  See Arsenal play:  Not on my salary.  But watched a game on TV.

24:  See Exeter Chiefs play:  Done, against London Irish (who lost) with my dad.  Good times.

Upcycletastic

25.  Go to a music concert: I did, with my brother.  Baka Beyond, world music.  Cultured.

26.  See a comedian live: Several, in Dublin with my bestie.

27.  Upcycle a piece of furniture:  Loved this one, if I had space I'd have upcycled my hear out all year.

Buried treasure

28: Swim in the sea:  Done, in the South China Sea.

29.  Bury some treasure:  Done, no I'm not telling where.

30.  Watch the top ten movies ever:  There are a few that I should have seen and clearly it's objective so having consulted 'the internet' I have now seen: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Pulp Fiction, The English Patient, Reservoir Dogs, Schindler's List, Rain Man, Annie Hall, The Dark Knight, Talented Mr Ripley, Erin Brockovich.   


So that's it - 21 Ticked off and 5 pending/gave myself a half point.

Now, what to do with the next 30 years...?

Changing the world

I've been trying to write this post for a week, unable to work out what it is I want to say.  You see, I started this year by spending a few weeks moping.  Good quality, fully invested mopedom. I looked at the Kingdom of Mope, staged a coup and became Ruler.

Then over the space of a week I abdicated, choosing to slowly return to the Real World.  The World in which I am not in charge or control but I probably stand more chance at reaching some of my potential.  As you can imagine, I'm desperate to write a list of some kind, bullet pointing how I got from one world to another.  But instead I have two evolving insights;

For the past months I've been taking a little more notice of articles about mental health and on the whole have found them, and the mere fact they exist in mainstream discourse, a comfort.  When I saw Ruby Wax was blogging from her own depths and the way she was received on social media by people crying 'yes, exactly' I was inspired by her courage not just to write it, but to wait it out.

I did let myself wallow a bit, and a bit too long.  But the new twist was that I didn't let it add to the wonky voices that so regularly convince me I'm worthless.  Just an illness.  Just waiting it for it to pass, like the clouds.

Secondly, I have learned how sensitive I am to inconsistency and to change.  Depression makes you constantly measure yourself to the external and the more things around you change, the more it makes your confidence wobble.  But if I need consistency from other people, I really have to apply it to my values.  After a fortnight in Wallowsville I remembered that no one was going to come and save me.  There were gorgeous people with hands outstretched to me, but no one was going to lift my arm up to meet them.

Bottom line?  Depressed or not, I'm a better person when my world doesn't revolve around me.  When I hold on to the smallest shred of knowledge that I am able to still give something at my lowest, rather than give nothing when I'm hiding under my duvet, I get just enough motivation to sigh 'nothing to lose' and start making contact with the scary Outside Land.

A few scary steps taken and the simple fact that the clouds were on the move and I'm ending the month in a different place.  I'll probably pop back to Cloudy Town sometime but I won't panic.  I may write a bad review... but I'll keep my eye on the horizon and stick to my guns; no one can take the initial steps out of there but me.  So when I'm ready, time to get trudging.

One final thing, if I may.  I got some feedback suggesting I stop 'adding to the whingers on the internet'.

I started this blog at a point in my little life where I believed that everyone can make a real difference to our world, whatever part we play.  Over the past year I've doubted that I might be included in that assertion.

People like Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax and so many others are changing the face of mental health, making those who feel they are struggling and unimportant know that they are not alone - far from it in fact.  The more people who talk about it, admit to it and normalise it the better.  What if we could take the stigma away from depression so that we can deal with the illness head on?!

I'm not famous or influential, but in joining in that conversation, adding to the movement; I am in fact trying to changing the world a little.


Thank goodness. I do not have the brain space to think of a new name for this blog....

The fog will lift

The fog will lift, I keep telling myself

Forcing out the breaths while waiting it out

This is not an insurmountable state

A vacuum pulling me from myself

It is not spiralling beyond hope

Despite the dark’s insistence it will win

Days may be empty but not wasted

The sun sets and rises or eyes adjust

Hope is not in overcoming or escape

But in the collection of tear soaked scars

And not because they make you stronger

This is seeing life in all its colours

Enduring happiness is not success

Any more than avoidance of sorrow

Bruises hint of a heart that is engaged

Though it’s ache might cast a deep shadow

The fog will lift and though it may linger

Dancing in my peripheral vision

This is stormy weather I must get through

For now I breathe and wait for what comes next